An Open Letter to China and Japan: Chill the F*** Out, Bros

China Protesters are not chill.

Hey bros,

Y’all are acting sketch right now. The crew and me are over here trying to play some Lax and listen to the BBC World News hour, and all I’m hearing is about you two bros getting all up in each other’s faces over some bitch-ass islands in the East China Sea.

Senkaku Islands, Diaoyu Islands; it don’t matter. At the end of the day, we’re all bromosapiens. That’s real talk, homie.

I mean, what happened bros? 2012 was supposed to be the “Friendship Year of Japan-China People to People Exchanges,” celebrating 40 years of peaceful diplomatic ties between your two countries, a year of the ultimate chillness.

But instead we’re seeing violent protests, bloviated rhetoric and aggressive behavior from both sides. Come on. Me and my Lax bros have chested-up over some bitties at our date parties before, but our confrontations never ended with smashing Japanese-shops, cars and burning down department stores. Nah man, we end up burning down some dank grass and zoning out to Kid Cudi (bitches love Cudi).

Now bros, I know both of your politics are deeply rooted in right-wing nationalism. China, I know slow economic-growth has begun to delegitimize your government’s control over the population; that shit’s cray. Plus you got an election coming up and you need to stir up some fervor during a high-profile transition of power.

And let’s get real, y’all both want that oil.

But come on, World War II is so 20th century and you’ve been chill for a while now. If we held grudges against every frat that copped our swag during tailgates, well, our flow would not be so god damn tight.

I get it China. The US military has shifted its focus to East Asia with the intention of setting up an institutional framework focused on containment so you’re trying to assert your regional autonomy by flexing your military might. We do it all the time. But when we flex we just pick up slampieces. When your military flexes, you potentially could cause a crippling blow to a global economy already teetering on the edge of collapse.

But we all know the prospects for actual conflict are as low as bitties on the dance floor.

Check it: states go to war when the costs of doing so are less than the rewards. Yeah, there are some dank natural resources underneath the Islands but the political and economic costs of conflict vastly exceed the benefits of controlling them (at least for now).

Plus, if a conflict does break out, the United States and NATO will be implicated and then we’ve got to back up our bros in the region. And we’ve got a lot of bros in the region, bro. I know we’ve been fronting on you lately, and that shit hurts. But you don’t want to mess with us. Seriously. Our military is fuckin’ swollen bro, we lift every goddamn day and chase it with some Burnett’s Vodka and raw eggs. The ultimate Brotein shake.

You know bulkin’ up for the ladies is tight, but bulkin’ up to continue promoting a unipolar foreign policy agenda is even tighter. Keep that shit in mind, bro.

So here’s what I propose: why don’t we just grab my bro’s new Roor bong, get faded and chill; I’m talking BROne, Thugs and Harmony chill. Then we can just talk this shit out like we’re ABROham Lincoln, go play ultimate and pound back some Natty Ice. That shit’s real.

Sincerely,

A Concerned Bro

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