Hey Paul Ryan: Ayn Rand’s Not Into You, Bro.

Paul Ryan is a little bitch.
Photo Credit: AP/Salon

I obviously know a lot of bros in the business school and we’re always shooting the shit about how fucking dope Objectivism is and how all those GDIs (God Damn Independents) just hate us for our swag and wealth.

Shit, I wake up every morning and do 50 pushups while reciting lines from John Galt’s 70-page diatribe on welfare states in Atlas Shrugged. I love Ayn Rand so god damn much I would even take her to my frat’s formal; maybe take her to Taco Bell or something afterwards after a fat J. We call that shit “Goin’ Galt.”

But now Vice Presidential-nominee Paul Ryan is steppin’ up and trying to cop my philosophical slampiece. Not cool bro. I think my homie Ryan needs to take a step back and think about his behavior or we gonna have a problem.

I mean, damn son, if this were an Ayn Rand novel Paul Ryan would be a villain. Take a seat and let me lay this out for you, Paul, before you go and cry like a little bitch. Here’s a quote from Atlas Shrugged:

“Then it was said that large, established railroad systems were essential to the public welfare; and that the collapse of one of them would be a national catastrophe; and that if one such system had happened to sustain a crushing loss in a public-spirited attempt to contribute to international good will, it was entitled to public support to help it survive the blow.”

Here’s a quote from a White House spokesperson under the Bush administration regarding the auto-bailout:

“Under normal economic conditions, we would prefer that markets determine the ultimate fate of private firms. Given the current weakened state of the U.S. economy, we will consider other options if necessary including use of the TARP program to prevent a collapse of troubled automakers. A precipitous collapse of this industry would have a severe impact on our economy, and it would be irresponsible to further weaken and destabilize our economy at this time.”

TARP and the auto bailout were so identical to the policies vilified in Atlas Shrugged they might as well have been those fine ass twins from the Bud Light commercials. And bro, guess what? Paul Ryan voted for TARP and the auto bailout.

Check it out: Ayn Rand said that free-market capitalism requires a secular morality of selfishness. Bitch, you’re an anti-abortion Catholic. Ayn Rand believed in individual liberty. Me and her puff on that herb all day every day, bro. You openly support the War on Drugs.

Real-world policy considerations aside, how are you going to come up in here and spit your game at my girl when you don’t even follow the fundamental principles behind her philosophy? I don’t come to your house and drink your Smirnoff Ice, bitch, so why you gotta come up in here and act like you’re all about my girl Ayn when you Claritin-clearly are not.

And now, you’re getting on stage and saying shit like, “We risk hitting a tipping point in our society where we have more takers than makers in society, where we will have turned our safety net into a hammock that lulls able bodied people into lives of dependency and complacency.”

Don’t look now bro, I think you just straight plagiarized the plot of Atlas Shrugged.

So basically, Paul Ryan is coming up and trying to make Ayn Rand his bitch. Not gonna happen, bro. Ayn Rand loves it when I talk my sweet, sweet game to her about the virtues of selfishness. Plus I got that money and kush. All Paul Ryan has is a falsified attachment to Objectivism that, while on a surface level seems legit, turns out to be a fake-ass lie. Go home bro. You just lost the game.

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