Mitt Romney Understands That Tanning Helps Get Hot B**ches

I used to think my boy Mitt Romney didn’t understand how to play the game. After all, he’s been slamming the same broad since 1965 (seriously, bro). But after appearing on Univision last night to promote his flailing campaign to Latina voters, I’m starting to think he gets it in quite often with the ladies

As a frat bro, I feel pretty confident making wide-ranging assumptions about the feelings of sorority girls and we all know chicks dig guys with tans. That’s why we force our pledges to spend 24 hours straight in a tanning booth during Hell Week.

But I get it Mitt. You go on stage for a little bit; talk some really vague, vapid game about immigration and how much you love burritos; and all the while the Latinas in the audience are thinking, “Damn. Mitt Romney is like a cayenne pepper: hot, red and very unpleasant when taken in large doses.”

Listen brochachos, Obama’s got it easy. He’s already winning the Latino vote 60% to 30%. Sure, Mitt was technically born in Mexico. But after last year’s Spring Break in Cancun, who wasn’t? So what’s a guy gotta do to get some of that sweet Latina loving? Dye his skin brown, obviously.

So good on you, Mitt. You may not know very much about pragmatic immigration reform, but you sure as hell know how to get some Latina biddies.

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