Syria and Turkey are Chesting Up and None of Our Bros Give a Sh*t

Real talk, bro. Why the hell is no one talking about Syria and Turkey being on the brink of war? Obama’s my bro, Mitt Romney’s like a casual bro acquaintance who I hate seeing but tolerate, and I don’t particularly mind seeing them in the news duking it out like two sorority bitches in a pudding wrestling contest. But seriously, shit’s about to get real bad over there, like blacking out on football Saturday and missing the game bad.

On Monday Turkish President Abdullah Gul (sweet name, bro) said that the “worst-case scenarios” were playing out in Syria and Turkey would do whatever is necessary to protect itself.

We’ve seen exchanges of artillery fire for six straight days. Turkey’s armed forces have bolstered their presence along the border with Syria. And what’s the international community doing? U.N. Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon said the escalation of the conflict was “extremely dangerous.”

Are you kidding me, Ban? That’s like saying PIKE throwing a mad rager on the same night of our annual “80’s Bros and Coked Out Hoes” party was no big deal. It was a big deal. And it ended with 50 bros flexing in the street at 3 a.m. threatening to fight each other. Hopefully Syria and Turkey are only chesting up and trying to look like the alpha bro. Hopefully. But it’s starting to look like they’re going to fuckin’ throw down.

The most upsetting part of this whole debacle came today when NATO declared it was ready to defend Turkey in the event of an all out war. Bro, this is getting way to real.

At the same time we have radical militant groups staging suicide bombing against the Syrian regime so we’re past the point of arming whatever cohesive opposition was there. There are very few options on the table and what options are still available are quickly dissipating.

God damn, bro. This is almost as bad as the time our frat had a mixer with some skanky sorority and all the bitches were ugly as shit. So we chugged all the tequila we bought and blacked out so we didn’t have to remember what happened but in the morning we woke up and all the girls were still there. Naked. On our tables.

No one had any idea what the fuck went down but the entire house smelled like sluts, natty light and bad decisions.

Now obviously a war is somewhat unlikely at this point and NATO is extremely reluctant to enter into any conflict when their main focus is on Afghanistan. But it’s an election year, bro. Every eye is turned on Brobama and Bromney. No one is willing to do anything.

It’s like we lost a football game and now everyone is too pissed to do anything so there’s no parties to rage at. But somewhere there’s a party and no one has the gumption to go out and slam hot bitches.

Do you see what I’m saying? Turkey and Syria are like hot bitches and the international community is like our frat after a devastating loss. There’s shit going down, bro. It’s time to mobilize and attack before some other frat swoops in and cops our party swag.

But seriously, we need to see this escalation in the news more often. If Turkey and Syria continue this aggression, NATO will inevitably be drawn in. Then Syria’s allies, Iran and Russia, will have to back up their bro and then you just have a clusterfuck of regional strife and proxy wars.

So yeah shit’s fucked up. But apparently the international community as impotent as those PIKE bros. I wouldn’t be surprised if they couldn’t get it in with a vulnerable sorostitute going blackout at a frat. Seriously international community, get your shit together. We can’t wait.

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