Mitt Romney Needs to Cop a New Foreign Policy or He’ll Never Get Laid

Every year around football season the bros and me get together for a little courtship with the hot sororities. You know how it is: we sing a little song about smanging (smash it and bang it, bro), send some flowers (bitches love orchids), and get them wasted on Pinnacle Whipped.

Then we pop the question: “Hey girl, I know you’re into us. So let’s cut the chitchat. You’re going to get down with us tonight.”

To which, obviously, they respond: “Of course, my bros! You are so strong and masculine and look like you could bench 350 while nailing one of my sorority sisters!” Because that’s exactly what girls look for in men.

Now, I don’t know how Mitt Bromney feels about football (looks more like a LAX bro to me). But damn bro, if you want to get in voter’s panties you seriously need to adjust your foreign policy game.

Basically, Romney, you need to get the American populace wet with a new, bold agenda. Just like we did to those sorority hoes when we sang them Lil’ Wayne’s “Lollipop” with our shirts off. It was fuckin’ tight.

Romney’s speech at the Virginia Military Institute sounded like a mix between George W. Bush and Obama. First off bro, Romney needs to hop off George W. Bush’s dick or he’s never going to achieve any sort of substantive foreign policy credentials.

People remember George W. Bush, bro, mainly how he got Iraq pregnant and got slammed into paying child support for 10 years. The bro’s got a kid weighing him down. Romney is never going to get laid with that kind of shit on his plate.

So my bro Romney went up there and tried to talk a big game. But, like every thing else about his campaign, it was devoid of any substance; just meaningless rhetoric that didn’t differ in any way from Barack O’Drama.

That’s like us going to Kappa Gamma and singing “Love in this Club” right after PIKE left. It’s boring, bro. And it makes you look like a cop-swag. No one gets laid by copping other bro’s swag. You look desperate.

Instead of outlining a new agenda, Mitt went on stage and outlined an Iran policy that was almost identical to Brobama’s, said some weird bullshit about how Russia is a looming geostrategic threat (bro, what?), and offered no real solution to the worsening civil war in Syria other than “arm the revels.” That’s just dumb bro.

You can’t just go on stage and spout some bullshit about how Obama is weak and apologizes for America and then advocate for an interventionism and increased defense spending. Chicks see right through that and you look like a coward with no real policies of your own.

Real barbershop talk, no razors no chalk: if you don’t add some meat to your foreign policy credentials you’re going to end up like a wimpy little bitch rather than a hulking bro who can bench 350 and nail bitches.

Forget Barack bro, just get up there and spit some hot fire about how dope your frat is and how the American people should let you check out their bedroom tonight so you can show them how a real man treats hot bitches. Get the American people drunk off cheap Vodka (American exceptionalism) and then slam them with some completely impractical foreign policy bro-speak. Just like you’d slam the Iranian government: hard, powerful and ultimately very unsatisfying.

Otherwise you’ll be 75 years old and still trying to bang Ann. I know she’s hot right now bro, but after 5 kids that shit’s tore up. The American people are young and tight. You need to get it while its hot, bro.

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