Paul Ryan Needs to Workout the Core of the Deficit Crisis

There’s a lot of talk in the media about Paul Ryan being pretty swoll. Yeah right. Any real bro can see right through this pumped up façade to the facts: Paul Ryan doesn’t understand the real secrets to transforming your body from regular to a ripped, slam-piece banging machine.

First off, Paul Ryan does the p90x. What a little bitch. What’s the point of working out if you’re not in a packed gym intimidating other bros with your bench press?

Seriously, who the fuck wants to workout alone. Not us, bro. We hit up the weight room with cut-off tees on our backs and bitches on our minds. The p90x is for cowards.

But more importantly, Paul Ryan makes the most common mistake out there; he only focuses on the glam muscles and completely ignores his core. Bro, I get it. If you can just get beefed up arms and calves bitches will flock to you like you’re Pinnacle vodka on a Saturday morning, right?

WRONG. You need a strong core (abs, delts, etc), otherwise you’ll look like an arm-heavy little bitch.

But seriously, leave it to Paul Ryan to only do bicep curls and completely ignore his core. Just like his budget proposal only focuses on cutting glam government programs and completely ignores the core of our deficit crisis.

I’ll just say it outright: Ryan’s “Path the Prosperity” is more like the “Path to Not Getting Hot Bitches Wasted.”

Let’s break this down. Ryan maintains that he can cut taxes and reduce the deficit at the same time. Bro, what? That’s like saying we can get more slampieces over to our frat by buying less vodka.

Sure we could save some vodka by closing loopholes that allow brothers to drink it, but that’s stupid. We’re going to end up with less vodka no matter what and the parties going to sputter out prematurely (something I’m sure Paul Ryan is pretty used to *bro high-five*).

Similarly, Ryan claims he’ll pay for decreased revenue by closing tax loopholes but has yet to say which loopholes he would close. Apparently lower taxes stimulate greater investment, which spurs business activity. As a consequence the economy will grow and the income base from which the government draws taxes increases.

But that premise is really hard to swallow without some tangible numbers to back it up, especially given the depressed state of the global economy.

And considering the budget includes a permanent extension of the Bush tax cuts for the wealthy, repealing the estate tax and eliminating taxes on interest, capital gains and dividends the “Path to Prosperity” is clearly intended only to help the nation’s top earners. And it would add $4.6 trillion to the federal deficit over the next decade.

That’s the same as cutting back on vodka and expecting to somehow get more sorority slampieces drunk. Only the upper classmen are going to get drunk and rage, while the rest of us end up smoking kush and playing FIFA on a Friday night.

You mad, bro?

At the same time, Ryan wants dramatic cuts to almost every essential government program including:

• 25% from transportation and infrastructure spending (including cuts to Air Traffic Control
• 13% on spending for Veterans
• 6% on spending for “general science, space, and basic technology”
• 33% on spending for “education, training, employment, and social services”

Don’t even get push me on Ryan’s plans for entitlement reform. Seriously back the fuck up, bro.

So what stays?

Ryan’s budget saves $40 billion in subsides for big oil and instead cuts $3 billion from green energy programs.

Whether congress wants to accept it, green energy is the future of the U.S. economy. Building pipelines and handing out money to oil companies just puts us further into the pockets of hostile nations and destroys a huge opportunity for rebuilding America’s manufacturing infrastructure.

Ryan’s budget also restores $487 billion in spending cuts to the Pentagon pushed by the Obama administration. And Mitt Romney’s proposed budget increases military spending to 4% of GDP—that adds at least $2 trillion to federal spending over four years.

So here’s what we’ve got: a budget proposal that focuses only on politically glamorous programs (takers vs. makers, climate change is a myth or whatever the catchphrase is now-a-days) and ignores the fundamental problems driving the debt in the first place (addiction to oil and bloated defense spending).

God damn bro. It’s time you hopped off that p90x and started an actual lifting regime. No more of that pussy shit. If you want to be treated like you’re the American people’s #1 deficit-hawking bro you at least need to act like it first.

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