David Petraeus Was Just Trying to Get His Dick Wet

Here we go again: another high-profile public figure is getting taken down for infidelity. This time it’s CIA-Director David Howell Petraeus.

Last Friday Petraeus resigned from his post after revealing that he’d had an affair with his biographer, Paula Broadwell. According to the FBI, Petraeus was under investigation for alleged “inappropriate communications” with another woman.

First off, why was the FBI investigating Petraeus in the first place? Apparently the case was opened due to threatening emails sent from Broadwell. But we all know they were just looking for some nudies from Petraeus’ slampiece. The woman is fine as hell.

You know Petraeus went ALL IN on this bitch. 

Listen bro, the man is a decorated 4-star general and former Commander of the International Security Assistance Force in Afghanistan. This bro spent a decade in Iraq and Afghanistan and then came back to run an increasingly aggressive unmanned drone program. Dude was probably stressed as hell; of course he needed some backdoor pleasure.

During our finals week we have all the sororities come through our frat and give us stress-relief massages. And by “massages” I mean handjobs. You know how many members of our executive board had to step down? Just one, but it wasn’t because of the handjobs. It was because he broke the Xbox 360 the day COD: Black Ops came out. That shit is unacceptable. You can womanize bitches all you want, but you do not fuck with a bro’s Xbox.

Come on, bros. Petraeus may have exercised poor judgment, but he exercised worse judgment by resigning from his post for entirely personal reasons. Yeah, cheating on your main bitch is totally not chill, but give my bro a break. At a time when the CIA is crucial in anti-terrorism operations, having a leader so knowledgeable on Afghanistan, Pakistan, Africa and the Middle East is far and away more important than punishing a man for trying to get it in with some hot broad.

We shouldn’t penalize our leaders for human fallibilities. The man dedicated his entire life to preserving the safety of the American people. And his counter-insurgency strategy arguably prevented an even grislier civil war in Iraq and ended the heaviest fighting in the country, paving the way for a withdrawal of American forces.

How is Petraeus’ resignation good for the American people? It’s not. Honestly, I’m glad our chief spy was slamming bitches in his office.

I can imagine him whispering into Broadwell’s ear, “The art of coalition command is to take the resources you are provided with, understand what strengths and weaknesses are and to employ them to the best overall effort.”

And then Broadwell was probably like, “Oh David! Your concepts on winning in counterinsurgency warfare through the use of public diplomacy integrated into a comprehensive strategy employing all instruments of national power are such a TURN ON!”

And he’s like, “Yeah bitch, I’m gonna to render you as ineffective and non-influential as terrorist cells in Iraq. I’m gonna tear that shit up.”

If Petraeus’ affair did not affect him in his job or compromise national security, there’s no reason he should have to resign. Dude was just trying to get his dick wet, just like every other bro in Washington. Give my bro a break.

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