The Tea Party Got Us Wasted and America Has A Terrible Hangover

We’ve all been there. You go out drinking with your bros in a shitty mood and things get a little rowdy. Maybe you failed a final exam, maybe your best bro just railed your main bitch; it doesn’t matter. But after a couple shots it starts to really matter. A lot.

So you hit up the bar and get frat-bro drunk, do a couple keg stands maybe. Next thing you know you’re yelling about how Bashar al Assad is a little bitch and taking swings at every bro that tries to cop your swag. The next morning you wake up with a really shitty hangover, a lot of regrets and some ugly bitches in your bed.

When you put it that way, it sounds a lot like the Tea Party movement of 2010.

In 2009 America had hit rock bottom. Our financial system had collapsed, the housing market was destroyed and the economy was shedding jobs like hot sorority girls shed clothes at our frat mixers. And we were all in a seriously shitty mood.

So what did America do? We got wasted and start ranting about government takeovers, yelling about socialism, and hitting people whom we had no business even talking to. Basically we started the Tea Party.

Let’s take a look at this “grass-roots” movement: it’s incoherent, contradicts itself too much for anyone to count and is willfully ignorant of facts or statistics. Compare that to a drunk, aggressive frat bro yelling at some GDI about coming into his frat and macking on his girls (even though we all know GDIs don’t get hot bitches), taking swings at his own bros and denying climate change.

It’s the same goddamn thing.

And what did America end up with? We got political candidates ranting about rape, racist comments and hatred of government. Seriously, that sounds exactly like my bro last night after losing his IM football championship and taking 15 shots.

The Tea Party had quite a bit of clout in the 2010 midterm elections. But like all alcohol-fueled aggressive nights, the party’s over and America’s waking up with a terrible headache, a lot of regrets and weird congressmen naked in our beds.

Election night 2012 showed that the Tea Party’s message is toxic on a national and state level. It wasn’t just Mitt Romney losing; it was a profound demographic and policy paradigm shift throughout America. Hispanics, African-Americans, millennials, women voters voted overwhelmingly for Obama, dank kush and gay marriage were legalized in multiple states—it seems as though a lot of us have finally woken up and realized that what we did last night was ratchet and pretty fuckin amateur.

Somewhere along the line the Republican Party ended up hitting on Sen. Dick Lugar and Todd Akin and taking them upstairs for a little one-on-one “policy debating.” They’re rape apologists and ugly as shit. That’s rock bottom, bro.

Meanwhile the Democrats are going home with some fine Latina bitches and a couple blunts in their pocket. Swag.

The Tea Party, and by association the Republican Party, is in big trouble if they can’t get their shit together and stop getting wasted every night. It never ends well and just alienates huge swaths of voters that will eventually make up the bulk of the American electorate.

For the rest of us, it’s time we throw-up, realize our mistakes, make some phone-calls and move on. Because that’s the American way.


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