Obama’s Swag Is ON: Fiscal Fifth Edition

U.S. President Obama enjoys a beer with Klanac and Woods at Ziggy's Pub in Amherst, Ohio

Liquor can do some crazy things. Two shots, you’re feeling okay. Six shots, you’re grinding sorostitutes on a plastic table listening to the newest Ke$ha joint. Ten shots, you’re taking swings at GOP obstructionists and threatening to drive the world’s largest economy into recession. And bro, you’re fucking serious.

In the tense negotiations over averting the so-called fiscal cliff, Barack Obama just slammed 10 shots to the face. Yes, it seems like my boy O’Drama has finally gotten up out of bed, chugged down some of that fiscal fifth and turned his swag way up.

In his first term Obama surrendered time and time again to an off-the-rails GOP house majority: on the tax negotiations of 2010, the debt-ceiling debacle of 2011 and even on his signature health law all the way back in 2009. All conventional wisdom points to the truism that if Barack let’s the GOP front on him, he’ll never be able to show his face in front of the GOP again. NOT TRUE.

Brobama’s opening offer to Congress included nearly $1.6 trillion dollars in new tax revenue, $600 billion in savings from changes in mandatory spending programs, $200 billion in new stimulus spending and, in what was essentially a giant “come at me, bro” to the house GOP, a transferring of the power to raise America’s debt ceiling from Congress to the executive branch.

Republicans are obviously chesting up. House Speaker John Boehner called the president’s opening bid a joke, as did the rest of the GOP congressional leadership. But rather than strike a more conciliatory tone, Obama went on the road to Pennsylvania and called the GOP a bunch of “Christmas Scrooges.”

I can’t really see any downsides for Obama from this obscene display of partisan brinksmanship. First off, going over the fiscal cliff isn’t as disastrous as the news punditry would have you believe. The spending cuts are relatively minor and about half fall entirely on the Pentagon budget, which needs trimming anyway.

And tax cuts can always be restored. In all likelihood the new Congress would introduce a bill restoring tax cuts to households making under $250,000, which Republicans would be forced to accept (they’re tax cuts, bro). So although our economy may initially take a hit it’s not the end of the world scenario that the media presents it as.

Also, polling indicates that a majority of Americans would blame the Republican Party for taking the country into another recession. Obama can just be all like, “I was totally chill, and these bros were fronting on us.” Whatever the outcome, Obama comes out on top. The only real losers are the American people. But who cares about them anyway, right bro?

Let’s agree on one thing: regardless of where your fiscal priorities lie, we can all agree that this country cannot take 4 more years of obstructionist, ineffective government. America is standing at the precipice of a real recovery; we need to get shit done.

This country needs a president with backbone. Someone who will stand up to Congress and say, “back up, bro. I just did 6 shots of Heaven Hill vodka, I will fuck your shit up.” And if the response is “yeah right bro, try it” we need a president who’s ready to take a step back, collect himself, throw some bows and get America’s fiscal house in order in a responsible, measured way.

Yes, it looks like my boy Obama has gotten his hands on some liquor and took a couple shots of the fiscal fifth. Hopefully he keeps drinking and gets even bolder. It’s time somebody called out our dysfunctional congress and took a stand.

Also, Grover Norquist is a punk-ass, little bitch.


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