Bros fucking love to get high, but not for pussy, tree-hugging existential bullshit. No, we smoke weed to get fucked up as shit. You might think frat life is all about booze and bitches, but you’d be fucking wrong, bro. After a heavy night of raging and banging slampieces there’s nothing we love more than getting high and playing FIFA with our bros.
Which is why when weed was legalized in Colorado and Washington we threw a mad rager and pounded through a couple zips of that good kush. That shit’s a step in the right direction, bro and deserves to be celebrated.
But now the Federal Justice Department is considering plans for legal action that would undermine the voter-approved initiatives. Bro, what? We finally have real progress on ending the expensive, cruel and unnecessary War on Drugs and the Federal Government wants to come in and take that shit away? Totally not chill, bro.
First of all, Barack, come on bro. We all know you smoked mad herb in high school and college. In Dreams of My Father you even wrote that you would smoke “in a white classmate’s sparkling new van,” or “in the dorm room of some brother, “ and even “on the beach with a couple Hawaiian kids.”
And in an early sign of your policy genius, you even popularized the concept of “roof hits.” Here’s an actual quote from one of Obama’s former classmates:
“When they were chooming in a car all the windows had to be rolled up so no smoke blew out and went to waste; when the pot was gone, they tilted their heads back and sucked in the last bit of smoke from the ceiling.”
Who even does that? That’s like next level stoner shit bro, and I’m impressed as fuck.
Secondly, and arguably more important, draconian Federal drug laws place a huge burden on our economy. When we’re embroiled in a debate on how to adequately address our country’s fiscal maladies, why reject policies that could help reduce the deficit in a profound way?
One report showed that legalizing marijuana and implementing a system of taxation and regulation would save the federal government $7.7 billion a year and generate between $2.4 and $6.2 billion in additional revenue for the federal government depending on how it is taxed.
A policy that would drive huge amounts of revenue and cut spending? That’s something Congressional Republicans and the White House should light up a joint and celebrate about.
This is shit you probably already know but it stands worth repeating: Legalization of marijuana is good for society and our economy. And as we stand on the precipice of real progress towards serious, tangible drug reform, the prospect of the federal government stepping in and destroying voter-approved, constitutional policies state-by-state is a scary one indeed.
And Barack, you know we all got your back bro. Do the right thing and let the states determine their own policies. Choom Gang for Life, homie. Don’t let us down.