Barack Obama’s 2013 Inauguration Speech, Dissected for Bros


On January 21st, Barack Obama gave what could accurately be described as giant bitchslap to the GOP; an inauguration speech so boldly progressive that he might as well have taken out a paddle and told John Boehner to bend over right then and there.

Like, seriously bro, who is this guy? Struttin’ up on stage like he just banged an entire sorority in one night. Which he probably did, the man’s swag is off the radar right now, bro.

But a lot of my less politically inclined bros seem to have missed the message so I’m going to break down the most swagged out parts of the inauguration speech real quick, and what it means for Bro-bama’s second term.

First-term Obama was kind of a little bitch. I’m hesitant to use the term “little-bitch,” because he did get some shit done, but let’s be honest. Bro rolled up into Washington like the NIB he was thinking that “post-partisanship” was a reasonable goal.  Post-partisanship is probably as achievable as hooking up at a sober mixer. It just doesn’t work like that and Republicans pounced on the chance to haze the fuck out of him.

Second-term Obama seems to have learned his lesson and wore his Liberal ideology on his sleeve like a bro wears his letters. We got a “fuck-you” to the 1% and a “wuttup bro” to the middle class. We got a Stonewall name-drop and a passionate defense of LGBT-rights. Shit, we even got a full 8-sentences on climate change, the most of any other specific policy area. Liberals eat that shit up like bros eat burritos after a fat blunt.

Next Obama dropped a reference to a theme Paul Ryan was slamming throughout the presidential campaign. Obama was all like, “[social programs] do not make us a nation of takers; they free us to take the risks that make this country great,” but what he really meant was “Yo Paul Ryan, come at me bro.”

Obama was all about progress in the speech, laying out a progressive vision for America that was pragmatic, well thought out, and most notably, bold as shit. Obama came to the speech with the confidence of a bro who just maxed out at 300 on the bench press, and left swollen as fuck.

And it’s showing in his approaches to negotiating with Congress as well. We saw an aggressive Obama during the fiscal cliff debacle and a full-scale effort to be forceful on gun violence. And we’re only one week in.

So yeah bros, I know a shit ton of you are conservative business school students who probably don’t agree whatsoever with Obama’s policy choices. But you gotta admit that man has swag, and you can’t fault him for that. Here’s to four more years. 


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