An Open Letter to John Brennan: Don’t Drone Me, Bro!


Wuttup player,

No need for introductions bro, I’ve been following your work. I know people give you shit for shifting U.S. counter-terrorism policy to “targeted, surgical pressure” on militant groups intent on attacking the homeland but whatever, people give us shit for our fratting policy of “targeted, surgical pressure” on slampieces. Fuck it, you do you.

Yeah there’s some shit I’m not cool with, like you supporting George W. Bush’s “enhanced interrogation” policies (shit’s messed up bro), but let’s pretend we both got hammered and blacked out for 4 years.

So let’s not drone on about the past (hardcore wit, right bro?); what I want to talk about are drone strikes. Now, let me just start this off by saying that I am not chill with the killing of innocent civilians in a any country, that shit cray and deeply unsettling. That being said, there are legitimate arguments on both sides of the debate that I think people give you undeserved shit for.

It’s kind of like a 21st-century “big stick” policy, but in this case we’re using swagged out death robots and not sticks. But again, whatever, I’m not here to discuss the civilian implications of targeted strikes vs. the realities of the world we live.

But seriously bro, what’s up not openly discussing the legality of the drone campaign you yourself pioneered? A HuffPost/YouGov survey found that 59 percent of Americans say they approve of the Obama administration using drones, only 18 percent disapprove. It makes sense, no one wants to think about war and if there’s a way to target high-level Al Qaeda officials without putting troops on the ground why the hell not?

What I’m here to talk about is transparency. How are you going to front on the American people like this and not provide a sound legal justification and public framework for targeted killings of American citizens?

I don’t come to your house, slam your wife and just say, “sorry bro, love is a battlefield and your wife posed an imminent threat to this D,” so how are you going to get up in my face and throw some punk-ass erroneous legal document in my face like you’re at an And1 Mixtape tour.

You’re acting like some slut who’s banged every guy in a frat and goes home to see her parents and tells them she’s a virgin. Like, are you serious? Everyone knows you do it bro, just come out with it and make this shit legit.

I do believe that drone strikes can be an effective counter-terrorism strategy, at least in the short term. But you need to put them in a context where human intelligence, diplomacy and trade are considered equally and fairly. Drones should be a last resort. You can’t just kill any bro with an Ak47 in the desert, nah mean?

So at the very least create some oversight process and clarification. How about for starters, more clearly define who qualifies for targeting? Right now all you’re saying is a “senior, operational figure” in Al Qaeda. It’s almost begging for some bureaucratic bitch to come in and err on the side of drone strike, without an appropriate cost-benefit analysis.

And bro, go public about the justification for each strike. There needs to be some process to justify assassinations to ensure every other option has been considered equally.

Finally, create a minimum oversight process to ensure that strikes face some kind of approval by outsider parties, whether in the form of a panel of judges, congressional committee or whatever makes sense. Just do it.

Our frat prides itself on openness and transparency. Our rush process is totally inclusive; our parties are open to any bro or slampiece that wants a taste of our swag; our frat holds weekly informative meetings for pledges. But there’s a lot of shit we keep to ourselves to avoid other frats copping our style or the University administration cracking down on our swag.

So I get it, drone strikes are a sensitive defense issue; I’m not saying to put every drone strike to a vote in congress. And I also understand, at least, the rationale behind drones as a counter-terrorism tool.

But bro, just be open about it and give the American people a chance to review the policy and process; we’re not going to put up with this shit for much longer.


A concerned, pragmatic bro


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