It’s March Madness on the Korean peninsula right now, bro, and shit’s heating up quicker than a Halloween foam party at full capacity. Kim Jong Un keeps fronting, the international community keeps fretting.
In case you’ve been trapped under a mountain of empties and slampieces (you know we are), here’s an animated timeline of North Korea’s escalating threats:
December 12th, 2012: North Korea launched a three-stage rocket and placed a satellite in orbit, they were like:
Jan 22, 2013: The UN Security Council passes a resolution condemning North Korea’s rocket launch and tightening existing sanctions, but Kim Jong Un was like, nah man:
Feb 26: In response to the sanctions, North Korean leader Kim Jong-Un launches a live-fire artillery drill aimed at simulating an “actual war” with South Korea, but it was weak. Bro, it looked like:
March 1: But South Korea and the US ain’t gonna be fronted on like that. They launched the annual “Foal Eagle” joint military exercise:
March 5: North Korea says it will scrap armistice that ended the 1950-53 Korean War, but the international community was like:
March 7: North Korea threatens a “pre-emptive” nuclear strike against the United States and South Korea, but who gives a shit. The US was like:
March 8: North Korea announces the voiding of non-aggression pacts with South Korea and severs a government hotline with Seoul. Kim Jong-Un tours frontline island units and vows “all-out war”:
March 11: South Korea and US launch annual “Key Resolve” joint military so we were like:
March 12: Kim Jong-Un threatens to “wipe out” South Korean island of Baengnyeong. South Korea is like:
March 22: South Korea and US sign new pact providing for a joint military response even to low-level provocation by North Korea. They’re OG bros:
March 29: Kim Jong-Un, vowing to “settle accounts,” orders missile units to prepare to strike US mainland and military bases in the Pacific. The US is just like:
March 30: North Korea declares it had entered into a “state of war” with South Korea and all my bros are ready:
What happens now? Well, nothing yet. So the international community is just like,
Elections in the United States tend to bring with them some casual partying, maybe a keg stand or two for freedom, some shots for ‘Murica. But ultimately you know you’re going to end up with lady liberty naked in your bed at 1:00pm and a mild hangover; just casual bro shenanigans.
But Kenya doesn’t mess with that banal party swag. No man, when Kenya has an election they rage hard. Like Halloween foam party hard; like someone accidentally delivered a case of Smirnoff at our door the day after finals and bunch of bitches are coming over later to get down hard; like your country has undergone years of forced integration at the hand of colonial powers, resulting in intense animosity and resentment that fractures the country along ethnic and economic lines, rather than a shared nationality, hard.
So Kenya has a history of raging. So what? If raging was a crime we’d all be locked away by now (well, probably not because our dads are rich as fuck and we got swagged out legal representation).
But when Kenya rages, it’s a little different. The last time Kenyans went to the polls in 2007, the results were disputed and ethnically aligned gangs took the lives of more than 1,100 people during weeks of violent unrest.
Also, while raging on college campus is (for the most part) legal, two of Kenya’s presidential candidates this year, Former finance minister Uhuru Kenyatta and William Ruto, are due to appear before the International Criminal Court at The Hague in a few weeks, charged with torturing, persecuting, killing and displacing civilians during Kenya’s last election crisis. Kind of like a more intense, internationally condemned form of pledging that ultimately destabilizes an entire region.
Mr. Ruto is generally considered the main instigator of violence, but is revered as a political hero in the Kalenijin ethnic community. Mr. Kenyatta is the son of former President Jomo Kenyatta, hailing from an entirely different ethnic background. The potential for serious violence is as clear as a fifth of Grey Goose premium vodka (which, ironically, also causes mass ethnic raging within the Greek community).
Complicating the already tenuous peace between the two ethnic rivals is the deep inequality prevalent throughout the country. While unemployment in some regions hovers around 40%, the political elite continues to award themselves inflated salaries and perks, again along ethnic lines, even in the face of mass strikes and labor unrest.
A little context: Kenya is an important country for a number of reasons. It has long stood as one of the most industrialized and democratic countries in sub-Saharan Africa and is the cornerstone of US security in the region. So unlike the majority of Africa, the United States actually cares about what happens politically.
Following the mass outbreaks in violence in 2007, the international community, and America, was like, “nah man, screw this noise,” prompting then-UN Secretary General Kofi Annan to fly into Nairobi and moderate meetings between the two main political factions.
The result was a referendum on a new constitution in 2010 that devolved power and established a “bill of rights,” as well as the Integrity and Leadership Bill (whatever the hell that means) and local tribunals to prosecute suspects of election killings.
But, like most things political in Africa, politicians implicated in the violence blocked the tribunals and other ambitious reforms crucial to avoiding renewed violence in 2013 were not pushed through. Also, the Truth, Justice and Reconciliation Commission have yet to release recommendations for remediating previous cycles of violence, stoking the flames of frustration throughout the nation.
This election-cycle Kenyans will vote for the first time for county governors and senators, as per the new constitution established in 2010, which sounds fine, but also could lead to intense competition and rivalry on a local level and raise the chances of violence.
Shit is cray, bro. What can we even do?
Well, there are a lot of things that could be done to alleviate violence in Kenya, mainly expanding access to reliable public services and providing more opportunities to young people to find work. There is also a large role for community organizations to play in working outside of Kenya’s broken political system to affect change on a local level. Kenyan civic groups have also tried desperately to shift the conversation away from ethnic identities, launching a broad public campaign to make the election issue-focused.
In regards to reconciliation, Kenya should seriously turn to their bro South Africa, who’s post-apartheid reconciliation process was arguably the most successful the world has ever seen. But that’s an entirely different story, bro.
While all attention will be turned towards national politics and regional strife, there are tangible things being done in local communities to find ways out of violence for the urban poor.
That being said, ultimately much of the change must happen from the top before Kenya sees a true path forward. Until then, Kenya’s election ragers are just an unfortunate reality.
Our frat has been under assault recently from bitch-ass school administrators over hazing policy. I’ve heard all the arguments: “Hazing is bad because it hurts people,” “No one really wants to be hazed they just do it because you make them!”
Well shut-up, bro. Yeah, I know hazing is illegal but guess what bro? You’re not going to stop it. Freshmen want to join our frat because we’re swoll as fuck and get all the hottest slampieces; that’s a fact bro. And if that takes running through a gauntlet of paddling, sitting in ice water and elephant walks than that’s what it’s fucking going to take.
It’s kind of like how undocumented immigrants want to enter our country even though it fucking sucks; it’s because we’re the fucking best. America, fuck yeah.
But I get that hazing is illegal and even my rich lawyer dad can’t get the entire frat out of probation if we get caught. And obviously we can’t let undocumented immigrants fester in the prison of America’s broken immigration system forever. It’s not practical or humane.
So what we need is reform to our pledging process that establishes a realistic path to brotherhood for NIBs, and to our immigration policy that provides a realistic path to citizenship for undocumented immigrants.
Here are 3 ways to reform the pledge process in a responsible way and how it can also fix our broken immigration system:
1. Ensure pledging requirements are reasonable and humane.
What does this mean? First, pledging activities for seeking brotherhood should not be so fucked up as to place a barrier to entry for new brothers to pledge.
Our frat used to make freshmen eat cereal out of a toilet. But apparently it’s inhumane and does not improve the character of our NIBs. Whatever bro. It’s funny as shit (literally) and sorostitutes love when we act like total douchebags. But it’s not very helpful for reforming our pledge system and getting chill bros, obviously.
Similarly, any immigration reform should not impose punitive and exclusionary measures that prevent undocumented persons from taking advantage of the new system. This means avoiding high fines, “touchbacks” and exclusionary requirements that impose barriers to entry for immigrants feeling the brunt of their undocumented status. Any new system needs to be strict and protect against fraud, but must also do so responsibly and in congruence with American values.
2. Identify and expedite pledging for exemplary young bros.
Priority should be given to bros who already know the game of frat life. If you’re coming out of high-school slamming Nattys like a pro and banging slampieces like it’s your job than you should be given a path to brotherhood ASAP. You’re fucking chill bro, and we dig that.
“Dreamers” should also be given an expedited path to citizenship. These are undocumented persons who entered illegally as minors in the care of parents, and who have attended college or joined the military. They are upstanding, productive members of our society and should be treated as such. Why let such outstanding young people fall away and become economic drains on our system when they have so much to contribute to the success of America?
3. Support integration and connection across all types of bros.
There’s a diverse spectrum of bros out there: stoner bros, LAX bros, and even hipster bros. Any pledge requirements should not be developed so as to exclude these bros from our frat. After all, diverse bros bring in diverse bitches, and you know we love Latin biddies just as much as your typical sorority blond sorostitute.
In the same way, immigration reform should include all families and demographics through provisions in the bill. We should not exclude women, LGBT individuals or certain races from meaningful reform. In fact, we should encourage a diverse spectrum of immigrants to ensure the continued growth and development of our society.
It’s unarguable that any immigration policy should support the integration of immigrants into the fabric of America and continues to build a more cohesive, supportive society. What’s at stake is not just the future of families and students, but the future of the American economy and our moral fabric as a people as well.
We’re already implemented changes from our end – like making our pledges drink one handle of Heaven Hill vodka instead of two (bitch move, I know). But the ball’s in your court, Congress, to get this shit done ASAP.