Anyone familiar with Greek Life knows about the yearly courtship rituals of Rush Week. Now, we spit rock-solid game when we’re macking on sorostitutes at mixers, which comes in handy when we’re going for bromantic flirting with freshman. Now that you know about our swag, here’s a solid bro-tip: Always keep liquor handy.
I know what you’re thinking: “Bro, that’s super irresponsible. Why would you give hard alcohol to 18 year olds who probably have never gotten drunk before? It’s dangerous, irresponsible and could potentially come back and bite you in the ass if one of your pledges gets rowdy and throws up on your slampiece.”
Well first of all, shut up bro. You sound like a little bitch and if you’ve got a problem then why don’t you go chill with some GDIs in the dorms. Frat, Country, God, Football.
But bro, I have to admit you make a reasonable point. Giving dangerous things to people who don’t know how to use them or may end up screwing you over isn’t a good idea. Just ask the Obama administration.
Late in the Libyan revolution, the U.S. government gave its blessing to ship arms to Libyan rebels via Qatar. Yeah, the rebels were just a rag-tag group of civilians but hey what’s the worst that can happen?
A lot, bro. It’s now coming to light that Qatar was turning some of those American weapons over to Islamic militants who weren’t looking to fight for freedom and democracy. The weapons and military equipment have now become a destabilizing force in the tumultuous path to democracy that Libya and have made their way across North Africa to Mali
It’s like when we give freshman pledges shots of Vodka at a huge rager, knowing full well they can’t drink worth shit and we have very little oversight of their behavior around it. Shit, one of them could pass out and get stomped on. Then we’ve got a lawsuit on our hands and that harms everyone. This campus would be boring as hell without our sick ragers.
What other option do we have though? No one wants to be the dry frat, it’s fucking embarrassing and no bitches want to hook up sober. So we take the risk and hope no ratchet shit goes down in the crib.
And what other option did the U.S. government have? Although NATO provided air support, wars are won on the ground and no one wants to get embroiled in another Middle East quagmire.
Which brings us to Syria. Like most armed uprising, factions of the rebellion have been co-opted by extremists more interested in Jihad and establishing an Islamic state than the actual health and safety of the Syrian people. This presents a huge problem for any proposals on solving the crisis and promoting a Syrian opposition coalition: how can we be sure we’re helping the right people?
Next week, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is expected to endorse the opposition coalition as the legitimate representative of the Syrian people at the “Friends of Syria” conference in Morocco.
But what coalition are we really endorsing? Within days of forming the coalition 14 fighting groups rejected it and committed to establishing a hard-line Islamic state after ousting President Assad. This is pretty indicative of a rising trend in the number of Salafi fighters in Syria, many of who are not from Syria but have joined the fight under the banner of Al Qaeda and militant jihad.
Where does this leave us? Every bro knows that liquor is critical to running a successful frat house. It gets bitches hammered and helps us bromance new freshman pledges. We can worry about the consequences later bro, tonight’s gonna be sick. We’re all getting laid.
But arming militant Islamist forces can have serious implications for not only the region, but for our domestic security as well. History has shown that when the U.S. gets involved in foreign conflicts militarily, it never ends well.
So if/when the United States endorses an opposition government; let’s leave arming their military forces off the table for now, bro.
Real talk, bro. Why the hell is no one talking about Syria and Turkey being on the brink of war? Obama’s my bro, Mitt Romney’s like a casual bro acquaintance who I hate seeing but tolerate, and I don’t particularly mind seeing them in the news duking it out like two sorority bitches in a pudding wrestling contest. But seriously, shit’s about to get real bad over there, like blacking out on football Saturday and missing the game bad.
On Monday Turkish President Abdullah Gul (sweet name, bro) said that the “worst-case scenarios” were playing out in Syria and Turkey would do whatever is necessary to protect itself.
We’ve seen exchanges of artillery fire for six straight days. Turkey’s armed forces have bolstered their presence along the border with Syria. And what’s the international community doing? U.N. Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon said the escalation of the conflict was “extremely dangerous.”
Are you kidding me, Ban? That’s like saying PIKE throwing a mad rager on the same night of our annual “80’s Bros and Coked Out Hoes” party was no big deal. It was a big deal. And it ended with 50 bros flexing in the street at 3 a.m. threatening to fight each other. Hopefully Syria and Turkey are only chesting up and trying to look like the alpha bro. Hopefully. But it’s starting to look like they’re going to fuckin’ throw down.
The most upsetting part of this whole debacle came today when NATO declared it was ready to defend Turkey in the event of an all out war. Bro, this is getting way to real.
At the same time we have radical militant groups staging suicide bombing against the Syrian regime so we’re past the point of arming whatever cohesive opposition was there. There are very few options on the table and what options are still available are quickly dissipating.
God damn, bro. This is almost as bad as the time our frat had a mixer with some skanky sorority and all the bitches were ugly as shit. So we chugged all the tequila we bought and blacked out so we didn’t have to remember what happened but in the morning we woke up and all the girls were still there. Naked. On our tables.
No one had any idea what the fuck went down but the entire house smelled like sluts, natty light and bad decisions.
Now obviously a war is somewhat unlikely at this point and NATO is extremely reluctant to enter into any conflict when their main focus is on Afghanistan. But it’s an election year, bro. Every eye is turned on Brobama and Bromney. No one is willing to do anything.
It’s like we lost a football game and now everyone is too pissed to do anything so there’s no parties to rage at. But somewhere there’s a party and no one has the gumption to go out and slam hot bitches.
Do you see what I’m saying? Turkey and Syria are like hot bitches and the international community is like our frat after a devastating loss. There’s shit going down, bro. It’s time to mobilize and attack before some other frat swoops in and cops our party swag.
But seriously, we need to see this escalation in the news more often. If Turkey and Syria continue this aggression, NATO will inevitably be drawn in. Then Syria’s allies, Iran and Russia, will have to back up their bro and then you just have a clusterfuck of regional strife and proxy wars.
So yeah shit’s fucked up. But apparently the international community as impotent as those PIKE bros. I wouldn’t be surprised if they couldn’t get it in with a vulnerable sorostitute going blackout at a frat. Seriously international community, get your shit together. We can’t wait.