Any bro who’s worth his weight in muscle mass knows the gym is the best place to pick up chicks. It’s mad easy: you stroll in there with an old high school tank top (sleeves cut-off for maximum gun exposure), check yourself out in the mirror (looking swoll, bro) and throw off some glances at sorority girls doing hot yoga (wuttup mamacita). It’s like shooting fish in a barrel full of Pinnacle vodka.
But we don’t get this body with indiscriminate across-the-board lifting. No bro, it takes a balanced, responsible approach to get this swoll, along the same guidelines as reducing our national deficit.
Normally we’re not about giving away our lifting secrets, but with a looming sequestration deadline of March 1st, it’s time for everyone to get swoll and responsible with deficit reduction:
1. Diversify Your Workout
A comprehensive muscle-building regime requires a comprehensive approach to getting swoll. Much like the silver hair of the alpha male mountain gorilla, some chicks love guys with tree-trunk arms and kegs for stomachs, but screw that bro. Truly swoll bros focus on the core to avoid looking like a heavy-armed bitch.
Any deficit reduction plan also requires a broad-sweeping approach. A combination of spending cuts (domestic and defense) combined with tax reform that closes loopholes and opens new sources of revenue is the only way to meaningfully reduce the deficit in a fair way. As our European bros showed, austerity policies on their own do not work. We need pro-growth policies combined with smart, targeted cuts and revenue increases.
Bro like, I don’t even get it. Corporate tax breaks and loopholes added up to about $150 billion in lost revenue. And don’t even get me going on tax breaks for Big Oil.
Plus, closing tax loopholes isn’t technically a tax hike, but more like cutting out domestic spending programs that only benefit the wealthiest and most connected Americans. It’s kind of like taking a creatine supplement and people give you shit for it like you’re taking steroids or some shit. It’s not the same. Shut up.
2. Cut non-essential, fatty foods from your diet
Beer and liquor are essential components of any frat diet, so let’s leave those aside. But bro, what are you doing eating a $20 deep-dish pizza at 2:00am on a Thursday? I get it, you’re high as shit but seriously, there’s a reason your arms make bitches run like Al Queda operatives from a drone strike.
You need to cut that shit out and eat protein. Protein makes up the core of muscle building, muscles make up the core of swag; it’s pretty fucking simple bro.
Protein is like mandatory government programs (Medicare, Social Security, Food Stamps, etc.) They’re essential to a functioning modern society for a number of reasons and simply “cutting spending” isn’t a legitimate argument. Yes, we need to reform our social programs to accommodate for waste and a growth in eligible participants. But let’s do so in a smart, fair way. Be humane about it bro.
But things like fossil fuel subsidies are stupid and don’t contribute to a healthy economy or a swoll body. Credible estimates of annual fossil fuel subsidies range from $10 billion to $52 billion annual. I get the arguments in rising gas prices negatively impacting our economy but fucking deal with it.
Same with cuts to Defense. Democrats and Republicans refuse to cut defense spending but it’s totally out of control. The U.S. government spent almost $718 billion on defense and international security in 2011. Now, this particular bro understands the need for a strong military presence, as well as the impacts a portion of defense has on our domestic economy, but cut that shit out bro.
And can we talk about agricultural price supports and subsidized crop insurance programs? They mainly benefit large commercial farmers, crowd out local family farms and in no way impact the price of Natty Ice. Cut it.
3. DO SOMETHING
You’re not going to pick up bitches smoking weed and eating Cheetos on your couch, and you’re not going to reduce the Federal deficit by continuously kicking the proverbial can down the road.
Clearly this is an issue that needs to be addressed and until it is, we’ll keep fighting the same budgetary battles over and over, leaving important reforms to immigration, gun control, etc. off to the side like an ugly girl at a mixer.
But let’s acknowledge that there are a lot of arguments to be made that the deficit may not even matter. A recent CBO reported the 2013 budget deficit would be 5.3% of GDP; almost half of what it was when President Obama took office. The report showed that growth in health care spending continues to slow, potentially as a result of the Affordable Care Act or just a recovering economy. Consumer debt after taxes has reduced back to 1994 levels.
Maybe things just aren’t as bad as Washington would like us to believe.
Before we get into politics I just got to say: Obama, Biden and Boehner looked swagged out in pastel ties last night. Like, was this a State of the Union address or Alpha Phi’s Pastel Bro’s and Easter Bunny Hoes party?
If it was anything like the party, it probably ended with tequila body shots off of Nancy Pelosi, some weird shit with the gavel and John Boehner waking up to Facebook photos of him and Biden with their shirts off passing comprehensive immigration reform in the Senate (which would be dope).
But anyway, if Obama’s inauguration speech was hitting the last cup on the beer pong table for the comeback victory, the State of the Union was Obama reaching across the table, backhanding the House Republican Caucus and taking all their wives upstairs for some one-on-one discussions on a newly proposed stimulus package. You feel me, bro?
Obama delivered a boldly progressive agenda; one that not only served to flesh out the broad concepts outlined at his Inauguration, but also laid the groundwork for a fundamental restructuring of governmental philosophies and civic engagement in a 21st century America.
More so than any State of the Union in recent memory, Brobama truly articulated a progressive vision for the future of America, one that sought to promote a renewed faith in the social contract that has forever been the cornerstone of the American ideal.
The agenda harkened back to the days of Lyndon Johnson’s Great Society and FDR’s New Deal, when government was not seen with animosity, but as a protector of the public systems that built our shared prosperity: a focus on building a robust middle class, a shout-out to voting rights, clean energy, smart manufacturing and a rousing appeal for gun-control legislation.
We even got a jab at Mitt Romney on indexing the minimum wage to inflation, a proposal that Romney supported briefly (typical Romney, bro).
Most striking though, was Obama’s riff on the poorest Americans. He evoked imagery of communities wrought with “inescapable pockets of poverty;” one’s that present unimaginable barriers to entry into a productive workforce. Having spent his youth embedded in these communities on Chicago’s south side, it was refreshing to hear Obama acknowledge the American’s who, in his own words, led him to seek the presidency in the first place.
This was an important speech for Obama; the doorway for pushing through his legislative agenda is closing as we approach the 2014-midterm elections. And my bro, for the most part, took advantage of it.
Sure, most of Obama’s agenda will probably get stalled in Congress. But this bro threw down the gauntlet. He walked up to the hottest chick at the party, red Solo cup in hand and said, “this is me babe, take it or leave it.”
Ladies love confidence, and if nothing else my bro’s swag was through the Capitol roof. Now he needs to turn that swag into tangible legislative success.
I’ve always known my boy Brobama was chill as fuck. Shit, during his Choom Gang days bro puffed that herb like it was his obligation as an American citizen. Which, being from Hawaii (the chillest of states), it was.
But Congress is like that nerd GDI in your Calculus class; you need him to do shit for you so you can mack on bitches all day, but you fuckin’ hate him because he acts like a little bitch and can’t bench-press his own bodyweight. Apparently though, that little bitch got a hold of some bud and offered up a hit to our Commander-in-Cheef in the form of a bi-partisan immigration reform proposal.
Yeah bro, you heard me right: bi-partisan. Whatever the reason, it seems that a political center is finally showing signs of coalescing around immigration reform, an issue that has for decades fractured our political landscape more than bros on opposite ends of the beer-pong table.
The “legislative pillars” of the Senate’s proposal include a “tough but fair” path to citizenship for undocumented immigrants that are already here (contingent on improved immigration and border enforcement), a requirement that employers verify their employees have legal-work status, allow foreigners who study science, math, engineering or manufacturing to remain in the country post-graduation, and make it easier for businesses to hire foreigners as temporary workers for low-skill jobs.
There are arguments for and against the framework, but basically it’s like being handed a filthy bong packed with ditch weed from Mexico (ironic, I know): you’d hit it because it addresses flaws inherent in our existing system, but it honestly tastes like shit and lacks a certain human element.
In response to the proposal, Baracka Flocka went to Vegas and gave a rousing speech, saying that the Senate proposal was “very much in line” with principles proposed by the White House.
Or in other words, “bro you got a light? Let’s hit this shit and finally relieve the millions of undocumented immigrants languishing under our draconian immigration system.”
In his speech President Obama rejected the enforcement trigger demanded by Republicans, and includes provisions that allow permanent residents to sponsor visas for a same-sex partner, in addition to other progressive recommendations. Mainly though, the architecture of both proposals are remarkably similar; a rarity in our era of hyper-partisanship.
Political implications aside, we can all agree that without reform to our immigration system, we will degrade the moral fabric that binds us together as Americans, and continue reject the world’s brightest individuals from contributing to American enterprise and investment.
Will these reforms truly fix our broken immigration system? Probably not. Will they solve the GOP’s political quagmire of courting Hispanic voters? Definitely not.
But it’s a start, and that’s a good place to be. Now let’s get high and pick up bitches in Cancun. Mexico’s the shit.
On January 21st, Barack Obama gave what could accurately be described as giant bitchslap to the GOP; an inauguration speech so boldly progressive that he might as well have taken out a paddle and told John Boehner to bend over right then and there.
Like, seriously bro, who is this guy? Struttin’ up on stage like he just banged an entire sorority in one night. Which he probably did, the man’s swag is off the radar right now, bro.
But a lot of my less politically inclined bros seem to have missed the message so I’m going to break down the most swagged out parts of the inauguration speech real quick, and what it means for Bro-bama’s second term.
First-term Obama was kind of a little bitch. I’m hesitant to use the term “little-bitch,” because he did get some shit done, but let’s be honest. Bro rolled up into Washington like the NIB he was thinking that “post-partisanship” was a reasonable goal. Post-partisanship is probably as achievable as hooking up at a sober mixer. It just doesn’t work like that and Republicans pounced on the chance to haze the fuck out of him.
Second-term Obama seems to have learned his lesson and wore his Liberal ideology on his sleeve like a bro wears his letters. We got a “fuck-you” to the 1% and a “wuttup bro” to the middle class. We got a Stonewall name-drop and a passionate defense of LGBT-rights. Shit, we even got a full 8-sentences on climate change, the most of any other specific policy area. Liberals eat that shit up like bros eat burritos after a fat blunt.
Next Obama dropped a reference to a theme Paul Ryan was slamming throughout the presidential campaign. Obama was all like, “[social programs] do not make us a nation of takers; they free us to take the risks that make this country great,” but what he really meant was “Yo Paul Ryan, come at me bro.”
Obama was all about progress in the speech, laying out a progressive vision for America that was pragmatic, well thought out, and most notably, bold as shit. Obama came to the speech with the confidence of a bro who just maxed out at 300 on the bench press, and left swollen as fuck.
And it’s showing in his approaches to negotiating with Congress as well. We saw an aggressive Obama during the fiscal cliff debacle and a full-scale effort to be forceful on gun violence. And we’re only one week in.
So yeah bros, I know a shit ton of you are conservative business school students who probably don’t agree whatsoever with Obama’s policy choices. But you gotta admit that man has swag, and you can’t fault him for that. Here’s to four more years.
Bros fucking love to get high, but not for pussy, tree-hugging existential bullshit. No, we smoke weed to get fucked up as shit. You might think frat life is all about booze and bitches, but you’d be fucking wrong, bro. After a heavy night of raging and banging slampieces there’s nothing we love more than getting high and playing FIFA with our bros.
Which is why when weed was legalized in Colorado and Washington we threw a mad rager and pounded through a couple zips of that good kush. That shit’s a step in the right direction, bro and deserves to be celebrated.
But now the Federal Justice Department is considering plans for legal action that would undermine the voter-approved initiatives. Bro, what? We finally have real progress on ending the expensive, cruel and unnecessary War on Drugs and the Federal Government wants to come in and take that shit away? Totally not chill, bro.
First of all, Barack, come on bro. We all know you smoked mad herb in high school and college. In Dreams of My Father you even wrote that you would smoke “in a white classmate’s sparkling new van,” or “in the dorm room of some brother, “ and even “on the beach with a couple Hawaiian kids.”
And in an early sign of your policy genius, you even popularized the concept of “roof hits.” Here’s an actual quote from one of Obama’s former classmates:
“When they were chooming in a car all the windows had to be rolled up so no smoke blew out and went to waste; when the pot was gone, they tilted their heads back and sucked in the last bit of smoke from the ceiling.”
Who even does that? That’s like next level stoner shit bro, and I’m impressed as fuck.
Secondly, and arguably more important, draconian Federal drug laws place a huge burden on our economy. When we’re embroiled in a debate on how to adequately address our country’s fiscal maladies, why reject policies that could help reduce the deficit in a profound way?
One report showed that legalizing marijuana and implementing a system of taxation and regulation would save the federal government $7.7 billion a year and generate between $2.4 and $6.2 billion in additional revenue for the federal government depending on how it is taxed.
A policy that would drive huge amounts of revenue and cut spending? That’s something Congressional Republicans and the White House should light up a joint and celebrate about.
This is shit you probably already know but it stands worth repeating: Legalization of marijuana is good for society and our economy. And as we stand on the precipice of real progress towards serious, tangible drug reform, the prospect of the federal government stepping in and destroying voter-approved, constitutional policies state-by-state is a scary one indeed.
And Barack, you know we all got your back bro. Do the right thing and let the states determine their own policies. Choom Gang for Life, homie. Don’t let us down.
We’ve all been there. You go out drinking with your bros in a shitty mood and things get a little rowdy. Maybe you failed a final exam, maybe your best bro just railed your main bitch; it doesn’t matter. But after a couple shots it starts to really matter. A lot.
So you hit up the bar and get frat-bro drunk, do a couple keg stands maybe. Next thing you know you’re yelling about how Bashar al Assad is a little bitch and taking swings at every bro that tries to cop your swag. The next morning you wake up with a really shitty hangover, a lot of regrets and some ugly bitches in your bed.
When you put it that way, it sounds a lot like the Tea Party movement of 2010.
In 2009 America had hit rock bottom. Our financial system had collapsed, the housing market was destroyed and the economy was shedding jobs like hot sorority girls shed clothes at our frat mixers. And we were all in a seriously shitty mood.
So what did America do? We got wasted and start ranting about government takeovers, yelling about socialism, and hitting people whom we had no business even talking to. Basically we started the Tea Party.
Let’s take a look at this “grass-roots” movement: it’s incoherent, contradicts itself too much for anyone to count and is willfully ignorant of facts or statistics. Compare that to a drunk, aggressive frat bro yelling at some GDI about coming into his frat and macking on his girls (even though we all know GDIs don’t get hot bitches), taking swings at his own bros and denying climate change.
It’s the same goddamn thing.
And what did America end up with? We got political candidates ranting about rape, racist comments and hatred of government. Seriously, that sounds exactly like my bro last night after losing his IM football championship and taking 15 shots.
The Tea Party had quite a bit of clout in the 2010 midterm elections. But like all alcohol-fueled aggressive nights, the party’s over and America’s waking up with a terrible headache, a lot of regrets and weird congressmen naked in our beds.
Election night 2012 showed that the Tea Party’s message is toxic on a national and state level. It wasn’t just Mitt Romney losing; it was a profound demographic and policy paradigm shift throughout America. Hispanics, African-Americans, millennials, women voters voted overwhelmingly for Obama, dank kush and gay marriage were legalized in multiple states—it seems as though a lot of us have finally woken up and realized that what we did last night was ratchet and pretty fuckin amateur.
Somewhere along the line the Republican Party ended up hitting on Sen. Dick Lugar and Todd Akin and taking them upstairs for a little one-on-one “policy debating.” They’re rape apologists and ugly as shit. That’s rock bottom, bro.
Meanwhile the Democrats are going home with some fine Latina bitches and a couple blunts in their pocket. Swag.
The Tea Party, and by association the Republican Party, is in big trouble if they can’t get their shit together and stop getting wasted every night. It never ends well and just alienates huge swaths of voters that will eventually make up the bulk of the American electorate.
For the rest of us, it’s time we throw-up, realize our mistakes, make some phone-calls and move on. Because that’s the American way.
There’s a lot of talk in the media about Paul Ryan being pretty swoll. Yeah right. Any real bro can see right through this pumped up façade to the facts: Paul Ryan doesn’t understand the real secrets to transforming your body from regular to a ripped, slam-piece banging machine.
First off, Paul Ryan does the p90x. What a little bitch. What’s the point of working out if you’re not in a packed gym intimidating other bros with your bench press?
Seriously, who the fuck wants to workout alone. Not us, bro. We hit up the weight room with cut-off tees on our backs and bitches on our minds. The p90x is for cowards.
But more importantly, Paul Ryan makes the most common mistake out there; he only focuses on the glam muscles and completely ignores his core. Bro, I get it. If you can just get beefed up arms and calves bitches will flock to you like you’re Pinnacle vodka on a Saturday morning, right?
WRONG. You need a strong core (abs, delts, etc), otherwise you’ll look like an arm-heavy little bitch.
But seriously, leave it to Paul Ryan to only do bicep curls and completely ignore his core. Just like his budget proposal only focuses on cutting glam government programs and completely ignores the core of our deficit crisis.
I’ll just say it outright: Ryan’s “Path the Prosperity” is more like the “Path to Not Getting Hot Bitches Wasted.”
Let’s break this down. Ryan maintains that he can cut taxes and reduce the deficit at the same time. Bro, what? That’s like saying we can get more slampieces over to our frat by buying less vodka.
Sure we could save some vodka by closing loopholes that allow brothers to drink it, but that’s stupid. We’re going to end up with less vodka no matter what and the parties going to sputter out prematurely (something I’m sure Paul Ryan is pretty used to *bro high-five*).
Similarly, Ryan claims he’ll pay for decreased revenue by closing tax loopholes but has yet to say which loopholes he would close. Apparently lower taxes stimulate greater investment, which spurs business activity. As a consequence the economy will grow and the income base from which the government draws taxes increases.
But that premise is really hard to swallow without some tangible numbers to back it up, especially given the depressed state of the global economy.
And considering the budget includes a permanent extension of the Bush tax cuts for the wealthy, repealing the estate tax and eliminating taxes on interest, capital gains and dividends the “Path to Prosperity” is clearly intended only to help the nation’s top earners. And it would add $4.6 trillion to the federal deficit over the next decade.
That’s the same as cutting back on vodka and expecting to somehow get more sorority slampieces drunk. Only the upper classmen are going to get drunk and rage, while the rest of us end up smoking kush and playing FIFA on a Friday night.
You mad, bro?
At the same time, Ryan wants dramatic cuts to almost every essential government program including:
• 25% from transportation and infrastructure spending (including cuts to Air Traffic Control
• 13% on spending for Veterans
• 6% on spending for “general science, space, and basic technology”
• 33% on spending for “education, training, employment, and social services”
Don’t even get push me on Ryan’s plans for entitlement reform. Seriously back the fuck up, bro.
So what stays?
Ryan’s budget saves $40 billion in subsides for big oil and instead cuts $3 billion from green energy programs.
Whether congress wants to accept it, green energy is the future of the U.S. economy. Building pipelines and handing out money to oil companies just puts us further into the pockets of hostile nations and destroys a huge opportunity for rebuilding America’s manufacturing infrastructure.
Ryan’s budget also restores $487 billion in spending cuts to the Pentagon pushed by the Obama administration. And Mitt Romney’s proposed budget increases military spending to 4% of GDP—that adds at least $2 trillion to federal spending over four years.
So here’s what we’ve got: a budget proposal that focuses only on politically glamorous programs (takers vs. makers, climate change is a myth or whatever the catchphrase is now-a-days) and ignores the fundamental problems driving the debt in the first place (addiction to oil and bloated defense spending).
God damn bro. It’s time you hopped off that p90x and started an actual lifting regime. No more of that pussy shit. If you want to be treated like you’re the American people’s #1 deficit-hawking bro you at least need to act like it first.