It’s March Madness on the Korean peninsula right now, bro, and shit’s heating up quicker than a Halloween foam party at full capacity. Kim Jong Un keeps fronting, the international community keeps fretting.
In case you’ve been trapped under a mountain of empties and slampieces (you know we are), here’s an animated timeline of North Korea’s escalating threats:
December 12th, 2012: North Korea launched a three-stage rocket and placed a satellite in orbit, they were like:
Jan 22, 2013: The UN Security Council passes a resolution condemning North Korea’s rocket launch and tightening existing sanctions, but Kim Jong Un was like, nah man:
Feb 26: In response to the sanctions, North Korean leader Kim Jong-Un launches a live-fire artillery drill aimed at simulating an “actual war” with South Korea, but it was weak. Bro, it looked like:
March 1: But South Korea and the US ain’t gonna be fronted on like that. They launched the annual “Foal Eagle” joint military exercise:
March 5: North Korea says it will scrap armistice that ended the 1950-53 Korean War, but the international community was like:
March 7: North Korea threatens a “pre-emptive” nuclear strike against the United States and South Korea, but who gives a shit. The US was like:
March 8: North Korea announces the voiding of non-aggression pacts with South Korea and severs a government hotline with Seoul. Kim Jong-Un tours frontline island units and vows “all-out war”:
March 11: South Korea and US launch annual “Key Resolve” joint military so we were like:
March 12: Kim Jong-Un threatens to “wipe out” South Korean island of Baengnyeong. South Korea is like:
March 22: South Korea and US sign new pact providing for a joint military response even to low-level provocation by North Korea. They’re OG bros:
March 29: Kim Jong-Un, vowing to “settle accounts,” orders missile units to prepare to strike US mainland and military bases in the Pacific. The US is just like:
March 30: North Korea declares it had entered into a “state of war” with South Korea and all my bros are ready:
What happens now? Well, nothing yet. So the international community is just like,
There are a shit ton of dope things you can do with a pipe: smoke dank weed, chug beers at the bottom of a three-story building, slam bitches (that’s an entendre, bro. French for lyrical swag).
But you know what a pipe isn’t good for? Transporting oil from Canada. You’ll a hear arguments for and against the Keystone Pipeline XL, but bro trust me on this one: that shit cray and is a major step backwards for moving America’s energy economy into the 21st century.
If people are trying to front on you, I’ve outlined a hypothetical conversation with a drunk bro at a rival frat who tries to talk bullshit about why the Keystone project is good. Use this guide and shut that little bitch down:
*Slams back Natty* “Bro, by approving Keystone, Obama can bolster his credibility within the oil industry and with conservative politicians, while simultaneously diffusing concerns around energy security. What the fuck you have to say now, bitch?”
Bro, step back. You can’t come into my fransion (a frat mansion) and front on me with this bullshit.
First, Obama has already done a number of things to appease the oil industry and conservatives (approving the southern section of the Keystone pipeline, drilling in the arctic, off-shore drilling leases, etc.) and found no concessions on the part of conservatives or big oil. This isn’t a reasonable claim and you sound like a little bitch. Also you’re just being speculative, while the science behind the issue is as clear as Grey Goose premium vodka.
Also, let’s keep in mind that Obama won the election even with the coal and oil industries pumping millions of dollars into Romney’s campaign. He has no obligation to them anyways, bro. Not approving this pipeline would send a message to the world that the US is on the path to clean energy (which also diffuses concerns about energy security). That seems much more important than appeasing a small group of people who aren’t going to like Obama’s policies anyway.
So hop off.
“Tar-sands development raises serious environmental concerns in Canada, but that’s in Canada bro. Who gives a shit?”
You sound like a idiot, bro. Like somehow all of the emissions and polluted water are stopped by Homeland Security at the border and are turned around? Come on. The environment doesn’t adhere to state boundaries. All that pollution will migrate to the United States like all the slampieces migrated over here from your shitty frat.
Plus let’s consider the potential for drought caused by a rupture in the pipeline OR by the massive amount of water it takes to extracts the bitumen from the sand and clay.
“Bro, sometimes the ends justify the means. The foundation for this pipeline could be a strategic research and development (R&D) program for clean energy.”
Okay bro, great. But here’s a better idea: how about we remove subsidies on oil companies and take some of that money to invest in clean energy R&D. Or just pass a carbon tax and raise $1.5 trillion in new revenue over the next 10 years. Use that money for energy research.
Also the vast majority of money and jobs from this project are going to stay in Canada (i.e. is going into the pockets of TransCanada, a Canadian oil company). All the pipeline does is move oil from Canada to the bottom of the U.S. and it doesn’t take too much time/effort to build a pipe (not that you’d know that, bitch). Extraction and profits stay in Canada, we get ~1 year of construction jobs, if that, and get to have more oil running through our country. Great.
“You’re just being a hyperbolic bitch, bro. Oil produced from the Canadian tar sands isn’t as dirty as the lame-stream media tells you. In fact, some of the oil produced in California is worse.”
First of all, fuck you and your lame-stream media garbage. But I digress.
Crude oil from tar sands is heavier, more viscous and has more impurities than other types of oil. You’re ignoring the bigger picture here and not thinking about how much energy actually goes into extracting and refining the tar sands. You’re not looking at the entire lifecycle, bro.
Tar sands are extracted as clay, sand and bitumen. Bitumen can be upgraded to synthetic crude oil, but it’s really intensive, expensive and all around terrible for every party involved. The only reason companies are extracting tar sands is because the price of oil is relatively high right now (that’s why it’s called a non-conventional source of oil, it’s not conventional because it costs so damn much and is so intensive). It’s the same thing as shale oil and deep-sea drilling. Drilling for more oil to reduce domestic oil prices is a catch-22, which is probably why it’s so easy for politicians to confuse people (read: your dumb-ass) about it.
But…bro. Driving down the cost of low-carbon energy might unlock political solutions in the future, right?
Even if this were the way that the economics of oil works (it’s not), how would using more oil drive down the costs of low-carbon energy? Even if it did, we’d eventually reach a point where it’s no longer profitable for companies to extract the tar sands, leaving us in the same place we are now but with more carbon emissions.
*The bro breaks down crying because he’s a little bitch with no values or convictions other than those he’s told by politicians and the media. *
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got a different type of pipeline for this hottie right here, so I’m gonna go back to my room and drill baby drill. Later bitch.
We’ve already covered Foreign Policy Pick-Up Lines, but what about those bitties who didn’t even know Mali was a country (it’s alright babe, shit’s complicated).
Well I got your back, bro. Here are 10 Domestic Policy Pick-Up Lines that are sure to get you laid at your next political conclave:
1. If your left leg was a ban on assault weapons and your right leg was dogmatic platitudes on second amendment rights, would you let me come down the middle?
2. If I told you your body was a Conservative negotiating bi-partisan agreements with President Obama, would you hold it against me in the 2014 mid-term elections?
3. Hey girl, I’m like Rand Paul filibustering the nomination of John Brennan to CIA director: I’ll keep you up all night long.
4. I’ve got a Keystone XL Pipeline right here girl, so let’s go back to my place and drill baby drill.
5. You hear about this sequester nonsense? How about we check out my crib and I’ll show you the virtues of pro-growth stimulus.
6. Damn girl, you must have been a terrorist leader in Somalia because you look like you came straight out of heaven.
7. Hey baby, let’s play comprehensive immigration reform: you can be the door to citizenship and I’ll slam you all night long!
8. Baby I’ll be the sequester and you’ll be the national deficit when you’re going down tonight.
9. Are you a General Atomics MQ-1 Predator Drone? Because you blow me away!
10. You must be Wells Fargo the way you got my large compensation rising.
So there they are. Go get it, bro.
Elections in the United States tend to bring with them some casual partying, maybe a keg stand or two for freedom, some shots for ‘Murica. But ultimately you know you’re going to end up with lady liberty naked in your bed at 1:00pm and a mild hangover; just casual bro shenanigans.
But Kenya doesn’t mess with that banal party swag. No man, when Kenya has an election they rage hard. Like Halloween foam party hard; like someone accidentally delivered a case of Smirnoff at our door the day after finals and bunch of bitches are coming over later to get down hard; like your country has undergone years of forced integration at the hand of colonial powers, resulting in intense animosity and resentment that fractures the country along ethnic and economic lines, rather than a shared nationality, hard.
So Kenya has a history of raging. So what? If raging was a crime we’d all be locked away by now (well, probably not because our dads are rich as fuck and we got swagged out legal representation).
But when Kenya rages, it’s a little different. The last time Kenyans went to the polls in 2007, the results were disputed and ethnically aligned gangs took the lives of more than 1,100 people during weeks of violent unrest.
Also, while raging on college campus is (for the most part) legal, two of Kenya’s presidential candidates this year, Former finance minister Uhuru Kenyatta and William Ruto, are due to appear before the International Criminal Court at The Hague in a few weeks, charged with torturing, persecuting, killing and displacing civilians during Kenya’s last election crisis. Kind of like a more intense, internationally condemned form of pledging that ultimately destabilizes an entire region.
Mr. Ruto is generally considered the main instigator of violence, but is revered as a political hero in the Kalenijin ethnic community. Mr. Kenyatta is the son of former President Jomo Kenyatta, hailing from an entirely different ethnic background. The potential for serious violence is as clear as a fifth of Grey Goose premium vodka (which, ironically, also causes mass ethnic raging within the Greek community).
Complicating the already tenuous peace between the two ethnic rivals is the deep inequality prevalent throughout the country. While unemployment in some regions hovers around 40%, the political elite continues to award themselves inflated salaries and perks, again along ethnic lines, even in the face of mass strikes and labor unrest.
A little context: Kenya is an important country for a number of reasons. It has long stood as one of the most industrialized and democratic countries in sub-Saharan Africa and is the cornerstone of US security in the region. So unlike the majority of Africa, the United States actually cares about what happens politically.
Following the mass outbreaks in violence in 2007, the international community, and America, was like, “nah man, screw this noise,” prompting then-UN Secretary General Kofi Annan to fly into Nairobi and moderate meetings between the two main political factions.
The result was a referendum on a new constitution in 2010 that devolved power and established a “bill of rights,” as well as the Integrity and Leadership Bill (whatever the hell that means) and local tribunals to prosecute suspects of election killings.
But, like most things political in Africa, politicians implicated in the violence blocked the tribunals and other ambitious reforms crucial to avoiding renewed violence in 2013 were not pushed through. Also, the Truth, Justice and Reconciliation Commission have yet to release recommendations for remediating previous cycles of violence, stoking the flames of frustration throughout the nation.
This election-cycle Kenyans will vote for the first time for county governors and senators, as per the new constitution established in 2010, which sounds fine, but also could lead to intense competition and rivalry on a local level and raise the chances of violence.
Shit is cray, bro. What can we even do?
Well, there are a lot of things that could be done to alleviate violence in Kenya, mainly expanding access to reliable public services and providing more opportunities to young people to find work. There is also a large role for community organizations to play in working outside of Kenya’s broken political system to affect change on a local level. Kenyan civic groups have also tried desperately to shift the conversation away from ethnic identities, launching a broad public campaign to make the election issue-focused.
In regards to reconciliation, Kenya should seriously turn to their bro South Africa, who’s post-apartheid reconciliation process was arguably the most successful the world has ever seen. But that’s an entirely different story, bro.
While all attention will be turned towards national politics and regional strife, there are tangible things being done in local communities to find ways out of violence for the urban poor.
That being said, ultimately much of the change must happen from the top before Kenya sees a true path forward. Until then, Kenya’s election ragers are just an unfortunate reality.
Any bro who’s worth his weight in muscle mass knows the gym is the best place to pick up chicks. It’s mad easy: you stroll in there with an old high school tank top (sleeves cut-off for maximum gun exposure), check yourself out in the mirror (looking swoll, bro) and throw off some glances at sorority girls doing hot yoga (wuttup mamacita). It’s like shooting fish in a barrel full of Pinnacle vodka.
But we don’t get this body with indiscriminate across-the-board lifting. No bro, it takes a balanced, responsible approach to get this swoll, along the same guidelines as reducing our national deficit.
Normally we’re not about giving away our lifting secrets, but with a looming sequestration deadline of March 1st, it’s time for everyone to get swoll and responsible with deficit reduction:
1. Diversify Your Workout
A comprehensive muscle-building regime requires a comprehensive approach to getting swoll. Much like the silver hair of the alpha male mountain gorilla, some chicks love guys with tree-trunk arms and kegs for stomachs, but screw that bro. Truly swoll bros focus on the core to avoid looking like a heavy-armed bitch.
Any deficit reduction plan also requires a broad-sweeping approach. A combination of spending cuts (domestic and defense) combined with tax reform that closes loopholes and opens new sources of revenue is the only way to meaningfully reduce the deficit in a fair way. As our European bros showed, austerity policies on their own do not work. We need pro-growth policies combined with smart, targeted cuts and revenue increases.
Bro like, I don’t even get it. Corporate tax breaks and loopholes added up to about $150 billion in lost revenue. And don’t even get me going on tax breaks for Big Oil.
Plus, closing tax loopholes isn’t technically a tax hike, but more like cutting out domestic spending programs that only benefit the wealthiest and most connected Americans. It’s kind of like taking a creatine supplement and people give you shit for it like you’re taking steroids or some shit. It’s not the same. Shut up.
2. Cut non-essential, fatty foods from your diet
Beer and liquor are essential components of any frat diet, so let’s leave those aside. But bro, what are you doing eating a $20 deep-dish pizza at 2:00am on a Thursday? I get it, you’re high as shit but seriously, there’s a reason your arms make bitches run like Al Queda operatives from a drone strike.
You need to cut that shit out and eat protein. Protein makes up the core of muscle building, muscles make up the core of swag; it’s pretty fucking simple bro.
Protein is like mandatory government programs (Medicare, Social Security, Food Stamps, etc.) They’re essential to a functioning modern society for a number of reasons and simply “cutting spending” isn’t a legitimate argument. Yes, we need to reform our social programs to accommodate for waste and a growth in eligible participants. But let’s do so in a smart, fair way. Be humane about it bro.
But things like fossil fuel subsidies are stupid and don’t contribute to a healthy economy or a swoll body. Credible estimates of annual fossil fuel subsidies range from $10 billion to $52 billion annual. I get the arguments in rising gas prices negatively impacting our economy but fucking deal with it.
Same with cuts to Defense. Democrats and Republicans refuse to cut defense spending but it’s totally out of control. The U.S. government spent almost $718 billion on defense and international security in 2011. Now, this particular bro understands the need for a strong military presence, as well as the impacts a portion of defense has on our domestic economy, but cut that shit out bro.
And can we talk about agricultural price supports and subsidized crop insurance programs? They mainly benefit large commercial farmers, crowd out local family farms and in no way impact the price of Natty Ice. Cut it.
3. DO SOMETHING
You’re not going to pick up bitches smoking weed and eating Cheetos on your couch, and you’re not going to reduce the Federal deficit by continuously kicking the proverbial can down the road.
Clearly this is an issue that needs to be addressed and until it is, we’ll keep fighting the same budgetary battles over and over, leaving important reforms to immigration, gun control, etc. off to the side like an ugly girl at a mixer.
But let’s acknowledge that there are a lot of arguments to be made that the deficit may not even matter. A recent CBO reported the 2013 budget deficit would be 5.3% of GDP; almost half of what it was when President Obama took office. The report showed that growth in health care spending continues to slow, potentially as a result of the Affordable Care Act or just a recovering economy. Consumer debt after taxes has reduced back to 1994 levels.
Maybe things just aren’t as bad as Washington would like us to believe.
Before we get into politics I just got to say: Obama, Biden and Boehner looked swagged out in pastel ties last night. Like, was this a State of the Union address or Alpha Phi’s Pastel Bro’s and Easter Bunny Hoes party?
If it was anything like the party, it probably ended with tequila body shots off of Nancy Pelosi, some weird shit with the gavel and John Boehner waking up to Facebook photos of him and Biden with their shirts off passing comprehensive immigration reform in the Senate (which would be dope).
But anyway, if Obama’s inauguration speech was hitting the last cup on the beer pong table for the comeback victory, the State of the Union was Obama reaching across the table, backhanding the House Republican Caucus and taking all their wives upstairs for some one-on-one discussions on a newly proposed stimulus package. You feel me, bro?
Obama delivered a boldly progressive agenda; one that not only served to flesh out the broad concepts outlined at his Inauguration, but also laid the groundwork for a fundamental restructuring of governmental philosophies and civic engagement in a 21st century America.
More so than any State of the Union in recent memory, Brobama truly articulated a progressive vision for the future of America, one that sought to promote a renewed faith in the social contract that has forever been the cornerstone of the American ideal.
The agenda harkened back to the days of Lyndon Johnson’s Great Society and FDR’s New Deal, when government was not seen with animosity, but as a protector of the public systems that built our shared prosperity: a focus on building a robust middle class, a shout-out to voting rights, clean energy, smart manufacturing and a rousing appeal for gun-control legislation.
We even got a jab at Mitt Romney on indexing the minimum wage to inflation, a proposal that Romney supported briefly (typical Romney, bro).
Most striking though, was Obama’s riff on the poorest Americans. He evoked imagery of communities wrought with “inescapable pockets of poverty;” one’s that present unimaginable barriers to entry into a productive workforce. Having spent his youth embedded in these communities on Chicago’s south side, it was refreshing to hear Obama acknowledge the American’s who, in his own words, led him to seek the presidency in the first place.
This was an important speech for Obama; the doorway for pushing through his legislative agenda is closing as we approach the 2014-midterm elections. And my bro, for the most part, took advantage of it.
Sure, most of Obama’s agenda will probably get stalled in Congress. But this bro threw down the gauntlet. He walked up to the hottest chick at the party, red Solo cup in hand and said, “this is me babe, take it or leave it.”
Ladies love confidence, and if nothing else my bro’s swag was through the Capitol roof. Now he needs to turn that swag into tangible legislative success.
I’ve always known my boy Brobama was chill as fuck. Shit, during his Choom Gang days bro puffed that herb like it was his obligation as an American citizen. Which, being from Hawaii (the chillest of states), it was.
But Congress is like that nerd GDI in your Calculus class; you need him to do shit for you so you can mack on bitches all day, but you fuckin’ hate him because he acts like a little bitch and can’t bench-press his own bodyweight. Apparently though, that little bitch got a hold of some bud and offered up a hit to our Commander-in-Cheef in the form of a bi-partisan immigration reform proposal.
Yeah bro, you heard me right: bi-partisan. Whatever the reason, it seems that a political center is finally showing signs of coalescing around immigration reform, an issue that has for decades fractured our political landscape more than bros on opposite ends of the beer-pong table.
The “legislative pillars” of the Senate’s proposal include a “tough but fair” path to citizenship for undocumented immigrants that are already here (contingent on improved immigration and border enforcement), a requirement that employers verify their employees have legal-work status, allow foreigners who study science, math, engineering or manufacturing to remain in the country post-graduation, and make it easier for businesses to hire foreigners as temporary workers for low-skill jobs.
There are arguments for and against the framework, but basically it’s like being handed a filthy bong packed with ditch weed from Mexico (ironic, I know): you’d hit it because it addresses flaws inherent in our existing system, but it honestly tastes like shit and lacks a certain human element.
In response to the proposal, Baracka Flocka went to Vegas and gave a rousing speech, saying that the Senate proposal was “very much in line” with principles proposed by the White House.
Or in other words, “bro you got a light? Let’s hit this shit and finally relieve the millions of undocumented immigrants languishing under our draconian immigration system.”
In his speech President Obama rejected the enforcement trigger demanded by Republicans, and includes provisions that allow permanent residents to sponsor visas for a same-sex partner, in addition to other progressive recommendations. Mainly though, the architecture of both proposals are remarkably similar; a rarity in our era of hyper-partisanship.
Political implications aside, we can all agree that without reform to our immigration system, we will degrade the moral fabric that binds us together as Americans, and continue reject the world’s brightest individuals from contributing to American enterprise and investment.
Will these reforms truly fix our broken immigration system? Probably not. Will they solve the GOP’s political quagmire of courting Hispanic voters? Definitely not.
But it’s a start, and that’s a good place to be. Now let’s get high and pick up bitches in Cancun. Mexico’s the shit.