We’ve all been there. You go out drinking with your bros in a shitty mood and things get a little rowdy. Maybe you failed a final exam, maybe your best bro just railed your main bitch; it doesn’t matter. But after a couple shots it starts to really matter. A lot.
So you hit up the bar and get frat-bro drunk, do a couple keg stands maybe. Next thing you know you’re yelling about how Bashar al Assad is a little bitch and taking swings at every bro that tries to cop your swag. The next morning you wake up with a really shitty hangover, a lot of regrets and some ugly bitches in your bed.
When you put it that way, it sounds a lot like the Tea Party movement of 2010.
In 2009 America had hit rock bottom. Our financial system had collapsed, the housing market was destroyed and the economy was shedding jobs like hot sorority girls shed clothes at our frat mixers. And we were all in a seriously shitty mood.
So what did America do? We got wasted and start ranting about government takeovers, yelling about socialism, and hitting people whom we had no business even talking to. Basically we started the Tea Party.
Let’s take a look at this “grass-roots” movement: it’s incoherent, contradicts itself too much for anyone to count and is willfully ignorant of facts or statistics. Compare that to a drunk, aggressive frat bro yelling at some GDI about coming into his frat and macking on his girls (even though we all know GDIs don’t get hot bitches), taking swings at his own bros and denying climate change.
It’s the same goddamn thing.
And what did America end up with? We got political candidates ranting about rape, racist comments and hatred of government. Seriously, that sounds exactly like my bro last night after losing his IM football championship and taking 15 shots.
The Tea Party had quite a bit of clout in the 2010 midterm elections. But like all alcohol-fueled aggressive nights, the party’s over and America’s waking up with a terrible headache, a lot of regrets and weird congressmen naked in our beds.
Election night 2012 showed that the Tea Party’s message is toxic on a national and state level. It wasn’t just Mitt Romney losing; it was a profound demographic and policy paradigm shift throughout America. Hispanics, African-Americans, millennials, women voters voted overwhelmingly for Obama, dank kush and gay marriage were legalized in multiple states—it seems as though a lot of us have finally woken up and realized that what we did last night was ratchet and pretty fuckin amateur.
Somewhere along the line the Republican Party ended up hitting on Sen. Dick Lugar and Todd Akin and taking them upstairs for a little one-on-one “policy debating.” They’re rape apologists and ugly as shit. That’s rock bottom, bro.
Meanwhile the Democrats are going home with some fine Latina bitches and a couple blunts in their pocket. Swag.
The Tea Party, and by association the Republican Party, is in big trouble if they can’t get their shit together and stop getting wasted every night. It never ends well and just alienates huge swaths of voters that will eventually make up the bulk of the American electorate.
For the rest of us, it’s time we throw-up, realize our mistakes, make some phone-calls and move on. Because that’s the American way.
There’s a lot of talk in the media about Paul Ryan being pretty swoll. Yeah right. Any real bro can see right through this pumped up façade to the facts: Paul Ryan doesn’t understand the real secrets to transforming your body from regular to a ripped, slam-piece banging machine.
First off, Paul Ryan does the p90x. What a little bitch. What’s the point of working out if you’re not in a packed gym intimidating other bros with your bench press?
Seriously, who the fuck wants to workout alone. Not us, bro. We hit up the weight room with cut-off tees on our backs and bitches on our minds. The p90x is for cowards.
But more importantly, Paul Ryan makes the most common mistake out there; he only focuses on the glam muscles and completely ignores his core. Bro, I get it. If you can just get beefed up arms and calves bitches will flock to you like you’re Pinnacle vodka on a Saturday morning, right?
WRONG. You need a strong core (abs, delts, etc), otherwise you’ll look like an arm-heavy little bitch.
But seriously, leave it to Paul Ryan to only do bicep curls and completely ignore his core. Just like his budget proposal only focuses on cutting glam government programs and completely ignores the core of our deficit crisis.
I’ll just say it outright: Ryan’s “Path the Prosperity” is more like the “Path to Not Getting Hot Bitches Wasted.”
Let’s break this down. Ryan maintains that he can cut taxes and reduce the deficit at the same time. Bro, what? That’s like saying we can get more slampieces over to our frat by buying less vodka.
Sure we could save some vodka by closing loopholes that allow brothers to drink it, but that’s stupid. We’re going to end up with less vodka no matter what and the parties going to sputter out prematurely (something I’m sure Paul Ryan is pretty used to *bro high-five*).
Similarly, Ryan claims he’ll pay for decreased revenue by closing tax loopholes but has yet to say which loopholes he would close. Apparently lower taxes stimulate greater investment, which spurs business activity. As a consequence the economy will grow and the income base from which the government draws taxes increases.
But that premise is really hard to swallow without some tangible numbers to back it up, especially given the depressed state of the global economy.
And considering the budget includes a permanent extension of the Bush tax cuts for the wealthy, repealing the estate tax and eliminating taxes on interest, capital gains and dividends the “Path to Prosperity” is clearly intended only to help the nation’s top earners. And it would add $4.6 trillion to the federal deficit over the next decade.
That’s the same as cutting back on vodka and expecting to somehow get more sorority slampieces drunk. Only the upper classmen are going to get drunk and rage, while the rest of us end up smoking kush and playing FIFA on a Friday night.
You mad, bro?
At the same time, Ryan wants dramatic cuts to almost every essential government program including:
• 25% from transportation and infrastructure spending (including cuts to Air Traffic Control
• 13% on spending for Veterans
• 6% on spending for “general science, space, and basic technology”
• 33% on spending for “education, training, employment, and social services”
Don’t even get push me on Ryan’s plans for entitlement reform. Seriously back the fuck up, bro.
So what stays?
Ryan’s budget saves $40 billion in subsides for big oil and instead cuts $3 billion from green energy programs.
Whether congress wants to accept it, green energy is the future of the U.S. economy. Building pipelines and handing out money to oil companies just puts us further into the pockets of hostile nations and destroys a huge opportunity for rebuilding America’s manufacturing infrastructure.
Ryan’s budget also restores $487 billion in spending cuts to the Pentagon pushed by the Obama administration. And Mitt Romney’s proposed budget increases military spending to 4% of GDP—that adds at least $2 trillion to federal spending over four years.
So here’s what we’ve got: a budget proposal that focuses only on politically glamorous programs (takers vs. makers, climate change is a myth or whatever the catchphrase is now-a-days) and ignores the fundamental problems driving the debt in the first place (addiction to oil and bloated defense spending).
God damn bro. It’s time you hopped off that p90x and started an actual lifting regime. No more of that pussy shit. If you want to be treated like you’re the American people’s #1 deficit-hawking bro you at least need to act like it first.
My boy Barack O-Drama had a big day today. In what would be his last speech to the UNGA before the November elections, he obviously wanted to bring down the house with some real-talk about geopolitics and America’s place in the world. Swag. Go lay the proverbial smack down on all these bitch-ass nations, bro. I wanna see some tears.
But what did we get instead? Some straight-up pussy speech about “protecting free speech” and the “painstaking work of reform.” Come on bro, you’re better than that. Seriously, me and my bros didn’t wake up and 7:30am and pregame hard before the opening of the UN General Assembly to see some daytime television pandering to the Muslim-world.
But I get it Barry (Choom Squad 4 Lyfe, homie). In an era of increasing hostility between the West and the Muslim world, it’s important to throw election year politics aside and work for meaningful change on a global level. Focusing his speech on the power of free speech and shit like that was a good call.
My favorite part of the speech came when Barry was like, “As president of our country, and commander-in-chief of our military, I accept that people are going to call me awful things everyday. And I will defend their right to do so.”
Looks like Barack has been watching 8 Mile recently. He totally jacked that strategy from Rabbit, when he was all like, “Yeah I got problems, but you’re still a bitch.” Now when other nations try to front on us, what are they going to say?
But at the risk of sounding un-American, I think the main story should be Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad rolling up to New York 140 delegates deep. Bro, that’s like half the people who were at our Foam Party last week coming to a fuckin’ policy conference.
And even more impressive was that most of that delegation is staying at the swagtastic Warwick hotel for over $1600 a night. After a series of political missteps at home and a public power struggle with conservatives in the Iranian parliament, my man Mahmoud can still bring the party with him. Seriously bro.
There’s showing the force of your military through training exercises in the Persian Gulf, and then there’s showing the force of your swag through rolling up with a huge posse and getting bitches at swank New York hotels.
If the United States and Iran were fighting over a contentious swag program instead of nuclear one, I think Barack Obama may have just gotten embarrassed.
Swag Score: Iran-1, U.S.-0