Anyone familiar with Greek Life knows about the yearly courtship rituals of Rush Week. Now, we spit rock-solid game when we’re macking on sorostitutes at mixers, which comes in handy when we’re going for bromantic flirting with freshman. Now that you know about our swag, here’s a solid bro-tip: Always keep liquor handy.
I know what you’re thinking: “Bro, that’s super irresponsible. Why would you give hard alcohol to 18 year olds who probably have never gotten drunk before? It’s dangerous, irresponsible and could potentially come back and bite you in the ass if one of your pledges gets rowdy and throws up on your slampiece.”
Well first of all, shut up bro. You sound like a little bitch and if you’ve got a problem then why don’t you go chill with some GDIs in the dorms. Frat, Country, God, Football.
But bro, I have to admit you make a reasonable point. Giving dangerous things to people who don’t know how to use them or may end up screwing you over isn’t a good idea. Just ask the Obama administration.
Late in the Libyan revolution, the U.S. government gave its blessing to ship arms to Libyan rebels via Qatar. Yeah, the rebels were just a rag-tag group of civilians but hey what’s the worst that can happen?
A lot, bro. It’s now coming to light that Qatar was turning some of those American weapons over to Islamic militants who weren’t looking to fight for freedom and democracy. The weapons and military equipment have now become a destabilizing force in the tumultuous path to democracy that Libya and have made their way across North Africa to Mali
It’s like when we give freshman pledges shots of Vodka at a huge rager, knowing full well they can’t drink worth shit and we have very little oversight of their behavior around it. Shit, one of them could pass out and get stomped on. Then we’ve got a lawsuit on our hands and that harms everyone. This campus would be boring as hell without our sick ragers.
What other option do we have though? No one wants to be the dry frat, it’s fucking embarrassing and no bitches want to hook up sober. So we take the risk and hope no ratchet shit goes down in the crib.
And what other option did the U.S. government have? Although NATO provided air support, wars are won on the ground and no one wants to get embroiled in another Middle East quagmire.
Which brings us to Syria. Like most armed uprising, factions of the rebellion have been co-opted by extremists more interested in Jihad and establishing an Islamic state than the actual health and safety of the Syrian people. This presents a huge problem for any proposals on solving the crisis and promoting a Syrian opposition coalition: how can we be sure we’re helping the right people?
Next week, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is expected to endorse the opposition coalition as the legitimate representative of the Syrian people at the “Friends of Syria” conference in Morocco.
But what coalition are we really endorsing? Within days of forming the coalition 14 fighting groups rejected it and committed to establishing a hard-line Islamic state after ousting President Assad. This is pretty indicative of a rising trend in the number of Salafi fighters in Syria, many of who are not from Syria but have joined the fight under the banner of Al Qaeda and militant jihad.
Where does this leave us? Every bro knows that liquor is critical to running a successful frat house. It gets bitches hammered and helps us bromance new freshman pledges. We can worry about the consequences later bro, tonight’s gonna be sick. We’re all getting laid.
But arming militant Islamist forces can have serious implications for not only the region, but for our domestic security as well. History has shown that when the U.S. gets involved in foreign conflicts militarily, it never ends well.
So if/when the United States endorses an opposition government; let’s leave arming their military forces off the table for now, bro.
Y’all are acting sketch right now. The crew and me are over here trying to play some Lax and listen to the BBC World News hour, and all I’m hearing is about you two bros getting all up in each other’s faces over some bitch-ass islands in the East China Sea.
Senkaku Islands, Diaoyu Islands; it don’t matter. At the end of the day, we’re all bromosapiens. That’s real talk, homie.
I mean, what happened bros? 2012 was supposed to be the “Friendship Year of Japan-China People to People Exchanges,” celebrating 40 years of peaceful diplomatic ties between your two countries, a year of the ultimate chillness.
But instead we’re seeing violent protests, bloviated rhetoric and aggressive behavior from both sides. Come on. Me and my Lax bros have chested-up over some bitties at our date parties before, but our confrontations never ended with smashing Japanese-shops, cars and burning down department stores. Nah man, we end up burning down some dank grass and zoning out to Kid Cudi (bitches love Cudi).
Now bros, I know both of your politics are deeply rooted in right-wing nationalism. China, I know slow economic-growth has begun to delegitimize your government’s control over the population; that shit’s cray. Plus you got an election coming up and you need to stir up some fervor during a high-profile transition of power.
And let’s get real, y’all both want that oil.
But come on, World War II is so 20th century and you’ve been chill for a while now. If we held grudges against every frat that copped our swag during tailgates, well, our flow would not be so god damn tight.
I get it China. The US military has shifted its focus to East Asia with the intention of setting up an institutional framework focused on containment so you’re trying to assert your regional autonomy by flexing your military might. We do it all the time. But when we flex we just pick up slampieces. When your military flexes, you potentially could cause a crippling blow to a global economy already teetering on the edge of collapse.
But we all know the prospects for actual conflict are as low as bitties on the dance floor.
Check it: states go to war when the costs of doing so are less than the rewards. Yeah, there are some dank natural resources underneath the Islands but the political and economic costs of conflict vastly exceed the benefits of controlling them (at least for now).
Plus, if a conflict does break out, the United States and NATO will be implicated and then we’ve got to back up our bros in the region. And we’ve got a lot of bros in the region, bro. I know we’ve been fronting on you lately, and that shit hurts. But you don’t want to mess with us. Seriously. Our military is fuckin’ swollen bro, we lift every goddamn day and chase it with some Burnett’s Vodka and raw eggs. The ultimate Brotein shake.
You know bulkin’ up for the ladies is tight, but bulkin’ up to continue promoting a unipolar foreign policy agenda is even tighter. Keep that shit in mind, bro.
So here’s what I propose: why don’t we just grab my bro’s new Roor bong, get faded and chill; I’m talking BROne, Thugs and Harmony chill. Then we can just talk this shit out like we’re ABROham Lincoln, go play ultimate and pound back some Natty Ice. That shit’s real.
A Concerned Bro