We’ve already covered Foreign Policy Pick-Up Lines, but what about those bitties who didn’t even know Mali was a country (it’s alright babe, shit’s complicated).
Well I got your back, bro. Here are 10 Domestic Policy Pick-Up Lines that are sure to get you laid at your next political conclave:
1. If your left leg was a ban on assault weapons and your right leg was dogmatic platitudes on second amendment rights, would you let me come down the middle?
2. If I told you your body was a Conservative negotiating bi-partisan agreements with President Obama, would you hold it against me in the 2014 mid-term elections?
3. Hey girl, I’m like Rand Paul filibustering the nomination of John Brennan to CIA director: I’ll keep you up all night long.
4. I’ve got a Keystone XL Pipeline right here girl, so let’s go back to my place and drill baby drill.
5. You hear about this sequester nonsense? How about we check out my crib and I’ll show you the virtues of pro-growth stimulus.
6. Damn girl, you must have been a terrorist leader in Somalia because you look like you came straight out of heaven.
7. Hey baby, let’s play comprehensive immigration reform: you can be the door to citizenship and I’ll slam you all night long!
8. Baby I’ll be the sequester and you’ll be the national deficit when you’re going down tonight.
9. Are you a General Atomics MQ-1 Predator Drone? Because you blow me away!
10. You must be Wells Fargo the way you got my large compensation rising.
So there they are. Go get it, bro.
Any bro who’s worth his weight in muscle mass knows the gym is the best place to pick up chicks. It’s mad easy: you stroll in there with an old high school tank top (sleeves cut-off for maximum gun exposure), check yourself out in the mirror (looking swoll, bro) and throw off some glances at sorority girls doing hot yoga (wuttup mamacita). It’s like shooting fish in a barrel full of Pinnacle vodka.
But we don’t get this body with indiscriminate across-the-board lifting. No bro, it takes a balanced, responsible approach to get this swoll, along the same guidelines as reducing our national deficit.
Normally we’re not about giving away our lifting secrets, but with a looming sequestration deadline of March 1st, it’s time for everyone to get swoll and responsible with deficit reduction:
1. Diversify Your Workout
A comprehensive muscle-building regime requires a comprehensive approach to getting swoll. Much like the silver hair of the alpha male mountain gorilla, some chicks love guys with tree-trunk arms and kegs for stomachs, but screw that bro. Truly swoll bros focus on the core to avoid looking like a heavy-armed bitch.
Any deficit reduction plan also requires a broad-sweeping approach. A combination of spending cuts (domestic and defense) combined with tax reform that closes loopholes and opens new sources of revenue is the only way to meaningfully reduce the deficit in a fair way. As our European bros showed, austerity policies on their own do not work. We need pro-growth policies combined with smart, targeted cuts and revenue increases.
Bro like, I don’t even get it. Corporate tax breaks and loopholes added up to about $150 billion in lost revenue. And don’t even get me going on tax breaks for Big Oil.
Plus, closing tax loopholes isn’t technically a tax hike, but more like cutting out domestic spending programs that only benefit the wealthiest and most connected Americans. It’s kind of like taking a creatine supplement and people give you shit for it like you’re taking steroids or some shit. It’s not the same. Shut up.
2. Cut non-essential, fatty foods from your diet
Beer and liquor are essential components of any frat diet, so let’s leave those aside. But bro, what are you doing eating a $20 deep-dish pizza at 2:00am on a Thursday? I get it, you’re high as shit but seriously, there’s a reason your arms make bitches run like Al Queda operatives from a drone strike.
You need to cut that shit out and eat protein. Protein makes up the core of muscle building, muscles make up the core of swag; it’s pretty fucking simple bro.
Protein is like mandatory government programs (Medicare, Social Security, Food Stamps, etc.) They’re essential to a functioning modern society for a number of reasons and simply “cutting spending” isn’t a legitimate argument. Yes, we need to reform our social programs to accommodate for waste and a growth in eligible participants. But let’s do so in a smart, fair way. Be humane about it bro.
But things like fossil fuel subsidies are stupid and don’t contribute to a healthy economy or a swoll body. Credible estimates of annual fossil fuel subsidies range from $10 billion to $52 billion annual. I get the arguments in rising gas prices negatively impacting our economy but fucking deal with it.
Same with cuts to Defense. Democrats and Republicans refuse to cut defense spending but it’s totally out of control. The U.S. government spent almost $718 billion on defense and international security in 2011. Now, this particular bro understands the need for a strong military presence, as well as the impacts a portion of defense has on our domestic economy, but cut that shit out bro.
And can we talk about agricultural price supports and subsidized crop insurance programs? They mainly benefit large commercial farmers, crowd out local family farms and in no way impact the price of Natty Ice. Cut it.
3. DO SOMETHING
You’re not going to pick up bitches smoking weed and eating Cheetos on your couch, and you’re not going to reduce the Federal deficit by continuously kicking the proverbial can down the road.
Clearly this is an issue that needs to be addressed and until it is, we’ll keep fighting the same budgetary battles over and over, leaving important reforms to immigration, gun control, etc. off to the side like an ugly girl at a mixer.
But let’s acknowledge that there are a lot of arguments to be made that the deficit may not even matter. A recent CBO reported the 2013 budget deficit would be 5.3% of GDP; almost half of what it was when President Obama took office. The report showed that growth in health care spending continues to slow, potentially as a result of the Affordable Care Act or just a recovering economy. Consumer debt after taxes has reduced back to 1994 levels.
Maybe things just aren’t as bad as Washington would like us to believe.
There’s a lot of talk in the media about Paul Ryan being pretty swoll. Yeah right. Any real bro can see right through this pumped up façade to the facts: Paul Ryan doesn’t understand the real secrets to transforming your body from regular to a ripped, slam-piece banging machine.
First off, Paul Ryan does the p90x. What a little bitch. What’s the point of working out if you’re not in a packed gym intimidating other bros with your bench press?
Seriously, who the fuck wants to workout alone. Not us, bro. We hit up the weight room with cut-off tees on our backs and bitches on our minds. The p90x is for cowards.
But more importantly, Paul Ryan makes the most common mistake out there; he only focuses on the glam muscles and completely ignores his core. Bro, I get it. If you can just get beefed up arms and calves bitches will flock to you like you’re Pinnacle vodka on a Saturday morning, right?
WRONG. You need a strong core (abs, delts, etc), otherwise you’ll look like an arm-heavy little bitch.
But seriously, leave it to Paul Ryan to only do bicep curls and completely ignore his core. Just like his budget proposal only focuses on cutting glam government programs and completely ignores the core of our deficit crisis.
I’ll just say it outright: Ryan’s “Path the Prosperity” is more like the “Path to Not Getting Hot Bitches Wasted.”
Let’s break this down. Ryan maintains that he can cut taxes and reduce the deficit at the same time. Bro, what? That’s like saying we can get more slampieces over to our frat by buying less vodka.
Sure we could save some vodka by closing loopholes that allow brothers to drink it, but that’s stupid. We’re going to end up with less vodka no matter what and the parties going to sputter out prematurely (something I’m sure Paul Ryan is pretty used to *bro high-five*).
Similarly, Ryan claims he’ll pay for decreased revenue by closing tax loopholes but has yet to say which loopholes he would close. Apparently lower taxes stimulate greater investment, which spurs business activity. As a consequence the economy will grow and the income base from which the government draws taxes increases.
But that premise is really hard to swallow without some tangible numbers to back it up, especially given the depressed state of the global economy.
And considering the budget includes a permanent extension of the Bush tax cuts for the wealthy, repealing the estate tax and eliminating taxes on interest, capital gains and dividends the “Path to Prosperity” is clearly intended only to help the nation’s top earners. And it would add $4.6 trillion to the federal deficit over the next decade.
That’s the same as cutting back on vodka and expecting to somehow get more sorority slampieces drunk. Only the upper classmen are going to get drunk and rage, while the rest of us end up smoking kush and playing FIFA on a Friday night.
You mad, bro?
At the same time, Ryan wants dramatic cuts to almost every essential government program including:
• 25% from transportation and infrastructure spending (including cuts to Air Traffic Control
• 13% on spending for Veterans
• 6% on spending for “general science, space, and basic technology”
• 33% on spending for “education, training, employment, and social services”
Don’t even get push me on Ryan’s plans for entitlement reform. Seriously back the fuck up, bro.
So what stays?
Ryan’s budget saves $40 billion in subsides for big oil and instead cuts $3 billion from green energy programs.
Whether congress wants to accept it, green energy is the future of the U.S. economy. Building pipelines and handing out money to oil companies just puts us further into the pockets of hostile nations and destroys a huge opportunity for rebuilding America’s manufacturing infrastructure.
Ryan’s budget also restores $487 billion in spending cuts to the Pentagon pushed by the Obama administration. And Mitt Romney’s proposed budget increases military spending to 4% of GDP—that adds at least $2 trillion to federal spending over four years.
So here’s what we’ve got: a budget proposal that focuses only on politically glamorous programs (takers vs. makers, climate change is a myth or whatever the catchphrase is now-a-days) and ignores the fundamental problems driving the debt in the first place (addiction to oil and bloated defense spending).
God damn bro. It’s time you hopped off that p90x and started an actual lifting regime. No more of that pussy shit. If you want to be treated like you’re the American people’s #1 deficit-hawking bro you at least need to act like it first.