It’s March Madness on the Korean peninsula right now, bro, and shit’s heating up quicker than a Halloween foam party at full capacity. Kim Jong Un keeps fronting, the international community keeps fretting.
In case you’ve been trapped under a mountain of empties and slampieces (you know we are), here’s an animated timeline of North Korea’s escalating threats:
December 12th, 2012: North Korea launched a three-stage rocket and placed a satellite in orbit, they were like:
Jan 22, 2013: The UN Security Council passes a resolution condemning North Korea’s rocket launch and tightening existing sanctions, but Kim Jong Un was like, nah man:
Feb 26: In response to the sanctions, North Korean leader Kim Jong-Un launches a live-fire artillery drill aimed at simulating an “actual war” with South Korea, but it was weak. Bro, it looked like:
March 1: But South Korea and the US ain’t gonna be fronted on like that. They launched the annual “Foal Eagle” joint military exercise:
March 5: North Korea says it will scrap armistice that ended the 1950-53 Korean War, but the international community was like:
March 7: North Korea threatens a “pre-emptive” nuclear strike against the United States and South Korea, but who gives a shit. The US was like:
March 8: North Korea announces the voiding of non-aggression pacts with South Korea and severs a government hotline with Seoul. Kim Jong-Un tours frontline island units and vows “all-out war”:
March 11: South Korea and US launch annual “Key Resolve” joint military so we were like:
March 12: Kim Jong-Un threatens to “wipe out” South Korean island of Baengnyeong. South Korea is like:
March 22: South Korea and US sign new pact providing for a joint military response even to low-level provocation by North Korea. They’re OG bros:
March 29: Kim Jong-Un, vowing to “settle accounts,” orders missile units to prepare to strike US mainland and military bases in the Pacific. The US is just like:
March 30: North Korea declares it had entered into a “state of war” with South Korea and all my bros are ready:
What happens now? Well, nothing yet. So the international community is just like,
Elections in the United States tend to bring with them some casual partying, maybe a keg stand or two for freedom, some shots for ‘Murica. But ultimately you know you’re going to end up with lady liberty naked in your bed at 1:00pm and a mild hangover; just casual bro shenanigans.
But Kenya doesn’t mess with that banal party swag. No man, when Kenya has an election they rage hard. Like Halloween foam party hard; like someone accidentally delivered a case of Smirnoff at our door the day after finals and bunch of bitches are coming over later to get down hard; like your country has undergone years of forced integration at the hand of colonial powers, resulting in intense animosity and resentment that fractures the country along ethnic and economic lines, rather than a shared nationality, hard.
So Kenya has a history of raging. So what? If raging was a crime we’d all be locked away by now (well, probably not because our dads are rich as fuck and we got swagged out legal representation).
But when Kenya rages, it’s a little different. The last time Kenyans went to the polls in 2007, the results were disputed and ethnically aligned gangs took the lives of more than 1,100 people during weeks of violent unrest.
Also, while raging on college campus is (for the most part) legal, two of Kenya’s presidential candidates this year, Former finance minister Uhuru Kenyatta and William Ruto, are due to appear before the International Criminal Court at The Hague in a few weeks, charged with torturing, persecuting, killing and displacing civilians during Kenya’s last election crisis. Kind of like a more intense, internationally condemned form of pledging that ultimately destabilizes an entire region.
Mr. Ruto is generally considered the main instigator of violence, but is revered as a political hero in the Kalenijin ethnic community. Mr. Kenyatta is the son of former President Jomo Kenyatta, hailing from an entirely different ethnic background. The potential for serious violence is as clear as a fifth of Grey Goose premium vodka (which, ironically, also causes mass ethnic raging within the Greek community).
Complicating the already tenuous peace between the two ethnic rivals is the deep inequality prevalent throughout the country. While unemployment in some regions hovers around 40%, the political elite continues to award themselves inflated salaries and perks, again along ethnic lines, even in the face of mass strikes and labor unrest.
A little context: Kenya is an important country for a number of reasons. It has long stood as one of the most industrialized and democratic countries in sub-Saharan Africa and is the cornerstone of US security in the region. So unlike the majority of Africa, the United States actually cares about what happens politically.
Following the mass outbreaks in violence in 2007, the international community, and America, was like, “nah man, screw this noise,” prompting then-UN Secretary General Kofi Annan to fly into Nairobi and moderate meetings between the two main political factions.
The result was a referendum on a new constitution in 2010 that devolved power and established a “bill of rights,” as well as the Integrity and Leadership Bill (whatever the hell that means) and local tribunals to prosecute suspects of election killings.
But, like most things political in Africa, politicians implicated in the violence blocked the tribunals and other ambitious reforms crucial to avoiding renewed violence in 2013 were not pushed through. Also, the Truth, Justice and Reconciliation Commission have yet to release recommendations for remediating previous cycles of violence, stoking the flames of frustration throughout the nation.
This election-cycle Kenyans will vote for the first time for county governors and senators, as per the new constitution established in 2010, which sounds fine, but also could lead to intense competition and rivalry on a local level and raise the chances of violence.
Shit is cray, bro. What can we even do?
Well, there are a lot of things that could be done to alleviate violence in Kenya, mainly expanding access to reliable public services and providing more opportunities to young people to find work. There is also a large role for community organizations to play in working outside of Kenya’s broken political system to affect change on a local level. Kenyan civic groups have also tried desperately to shift the conversation away from ethnic identities, launching a broad public campaign to make the election issue-focused.
In regards to reconciliation, Kenya should seriously turn to their bro South Africa, who’s post-apartheid reconciliation process was arguably the most successful the world has ever seen. But that’s an entirely different story, bro.
While all attention will be turned towards national politics and regional strife, there are tangible things being done in local communities to find ways out of violence for the urban poor.
That being said, ultimately much of the change must happen from the top before Kenya sees a true path forward. Until then, Kenya’s election ragers are just an unfortunate reality.
Anyone familiar with Greek Life knows about the yearly courtship rituals of Rush Week. Now, we spit rock-solid game when we’re macking on sorostitutes at mixers, which comes in handy when we’re going for bromantic flirting with freshman. Now that you know about our swag, here’s a solid bro-tip: Always keep liquor handy.
I know what you’re thinking: “Bro, that’s super irresponsible. Why would you give hard alcohol to 18 year olds who probably have never gotten drunk before? It’s dangerous, irresponsible and could potentially come back and bite you in the ass if one of your pledges gets rowdy and throws up on your slampiece.”
Well first of all, shut up bro. You sound like a little bitch and if you’ve got a problem then why don’t you go chill with some GDIs in the dorms. Frat, Country, God, Football.
But bro, I have to admit you make a reasonable point. Giving dangerous things to people who don’t know how to use them or may end up screwing you over isn’t a good idea. Just ask the Obama administration.
Late in the Libyan revolution, the U.S. government gave its blessing to ship arms to Libyan rebels via Qatar. Yeah, the rebels were just a rag-tag group of civilians but hey what’s the worst that can happen?
A lot, bro. It’s now coming to light that Qatar was turning some of those American weapons over to Islamic militants who weren’t looking to fight for freedom and democracy. The weapons and military equipment have now become a destabilizing force in the tumultuous path to democracy that Libya and have made their way across North Africa to Mali
It’s like when we give freshman pledges shots of Vodka at a huge rager, knowing full well they can’t drink worth shit and we have very little oversight of their behavior around it. Shit, one of them could pass out and get stomped on. Then we’ve got a lawsuit on our hands and that harms everyone. This campus would be boring as hell without our sick ragers.
What other option do we have though? No one wants to be the dry frat, it’s fucking embarrassing and no bitches want to hook up sober. So we take the risk and hope no ratchet shit goes down in the crib.
And what other option did the U.S. government have? Although NATO provided air support, wars are won on the ground and no one wants to get embroiled in another Middle East quagmire.
Which brings us to Syria. Like most armed uprising, factions of the rebellion have been co-opted by extremists more interested in Jihad and establishing an Islamic state than the actual health and safety of the Syrian people. This presents a huge problem for any proposals on solving the crisis and promoting a Syrian opposition coalition: how can we be sure we’re helping the right people?
Next week, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is expected to endorse the opposition coalition as the legitimate representative of the Syrian people at the “Friends of Syria” conference in Morocco.
But what coalition are we really endorsing? Within days of forming the coalition 14 fighting groups rejected it and committed to establishing a hard-line Islamic state after ousting President Assad. This is pretty indicative of a rising trend in the number of Salafi fighters in Syria, many of who are not from Syria but have joined the fight under the banner of Al Qaeda and militant jihad.
Where does this leave us? Every bro knows that liquor is critical to running a successful frat house. It gets bitches hammered and helps us bromance new freshman pledges. We can worry about the consequences later bro, tonight’s gonna be sick. We’re all getting laid.
But arming militant Islamist forces can have serious implications for not only the region, but for our domestic security as well. History has shown that when the U.S. gets involved in foreign conflicts militarily, it never ends well.
So if/when the United States endorses an opposition government; let’s leave arming their military forces off the table for now, bro.
Everyone knows chicks dig guys with an intimate knowledge of foreign policy issues. And everyone also knows that chicks go wild for cheesy pick-up lines.
So if you’re heading out to an international defense and diplomacy conference tonight and want to mack on some ladies, take these 10 foreign policy pick-up lines along for the ride and get bitches wetter than the melting polar ice caps:
1. Damn girl, you’re so hot you’re more than likely responsible for the 5 million deaths per year that result from climate change and a warming planet.
2. Hey baby, are you Iran’s uranium enrichment program? ‘Cause you’re the bomb!
3. Hey girl, let’s go back to my place and discuss methods to solve the Eurozone debt crisis because I’ve got some pro-growth policies we can talk about all night long.
4. Are you an Oil Refinery Plant in Southeast China? Because you take my breath away!
5. If you stood in front of a mirror and held 11 diamonds produced by child slaves in Sierra Leone you’d see 12 of the most beautiful things in the world.
6. You must be an air raid ordered on Aleppo by the Syrian government because you just blew me away.
7. Damn baby, you’ve got me feeling like a Sunni Muslim district in Baghdad because I’m about to explode!
8. The U.S. Congress should use YOU to avoid the fiscal cliff, because you’re stimulating my fiscal package right now.
9. Are you the National Defense Authorization Act? Because you’ve indefinitely detained my heart!
10. If you were Afghanistan and I was the United States, I’d never pullout.
Mmmm…I love me some strong ladies. You know the type; walking all sexy in your native garb, not giving a fuck about the patriarchal power structure that dominates our international institutions. Yeah girl. You’re independent and I dig that about you.
Bros, I got to be straight up with you. Every time I’m taking massive bong rips and watching Al Jazeera, I see Malawi’s President Mrs. Joyce Banda walk across the screen and my heart skips a beat. Yeah bro, that’s love.
Why do I feel this way, bro? Why do my palms get sweaty whenever I think about Mrs. Banda advocating for a concerted effort to combat government corruption and her unwavering dedication to furthering the rights of women in Africa? Yeah, I can bang any slampiece I want (and I do), but afterwards I always feel…unsatisfied.
I think I know why, bro. It’s because President Banda is a sterling example of why we need more women leading countries in the modern era.
First let’s lay down some facts: increased freedom for women has always been tied to democratization and growth in developing countries. Educated women that attend school are less likely to marry at a young age, leading to fewer pregnancies and strengthening the work force in the country.
A push for women’s rights also generally includes access to reproductive healthcare, further decreasing the high costs and burdens associated with rapidly growing, uneducated populations. These, among other factors, can foster profoundly positive benefits for any civil society.
Women tend to understand this better than men, for obvious reasons; it’s their rights at stake. As a product of such policies herself, Banda understands the importance of a paradigm shift in the role of women around the world, starting with revamping access to public health services for women in Malawi.
This is not to imply that men do not understand women’s rights and privileges. Shit, my bros and me love the ladies. We know how to treat a woman right—to understand a woman’s wants, and a woman’s needs. You can tell by the amount of hot bitches we get down with every weekend. But it’s not difficult to grasp why women tend to promote these policies more than men.
Today, Banda was honored by Africa’s largest women organization, “Women in Development” for her work in protecting women’s rights and seeking economic empowerment for women across the world.
If I could have one night with Banda, I would take her out to a dank restaurant and discuss her B+ public health protocol for PMTCT. Then I would take her back to my crib and make sweet, gentle love to her, whispering in her ear: “damn baby, your commitment to the economic well-being and advancement of women is so hot.”
Yeah we got bitches, yeah we got hoes. But at the end of the day what we really need are leaders who understand the fundamental importance of women’s rights to any country, developing or otherwise. That’s what’s really sexy.
It’s been quite awhile since Israel and Palestine chested up, hasn’t it bro? I think the last time was four years ago, when Israel invaded Gaza, leaving 1,300 Palestinians and 13 Israelis dead. Too much Tequila, that’s what it was.
But now here we are again, with more than 100 Palestinians and 13 Israelis left dead and hundreds wounded over the course of 6-days. And it’s showing no signs of slowing down.
We’ve got Hamas’ Top Leader, Khaled Meshal, taunting Israel on launching a ground invasion with the equivalent of a, “Come at me, bro! Come at me!” And Israel, recognizing the catastrophic potential of a ground invasion is all like, “Hold me back, bro! Hold me back!” But soon no one will be able to hold them back, bro.
With the conflict escalating rapidly, the international community is starting to ask, “Where’s our bro Obama?” And the only response we’ve gotten so far is a declaration of support for Israel’s air raids and a complete ignorance of the plight of the Palestinian people. And that was 5-days after the start of the conflict.
Shit, I remember in the good old days and American diplomat would’ve gone to Israel as soon as this shit got riled up. Probably with a couple zips and some fifths of liquor to lighten the mood and pick up those hot Israeli bitches.
Yet six days into the conflict, the Europeans and the Arab League are proactive in finding a solution while America is all like, “fuck that noise, I’m going to pick up some hookers in Thailand and get wasted.”
Don’t get me wrong, bro. President Bro-bama’s pragmatic, studied approach to foreign policy is extremely refreshing, especially after 8 years of neo-conservative nation building. It’s like chasing some ratchet vodka with Sprite. Get’s the taste right out so you can start making out with bitches without tasting like old potatoes.
But that being said, you can’t just turn a blind eye to decades of an American-dominated foreign agenda in the Middle East and expect no one to notice. Libya, continued violence in Syria, and now a renewed Israeli-Palestinian crisis all point to a power vacuum left by America’s declining role in the region.
Pivoting our resources to Asia is a baller move, bro, let’s tame that fuckin’ dragon. But look at the facts. Right now the world is relying on an inexperienced regime in Egypt, Quatar and Turkey to put pressure on Hamas to agree to a ceasefire. All of which have clear biases towards supporting Palestine.
So Turkey and Quatar might be able to make an impact. But putting an inexperienced Morsi out in the spotlight to deal with one of the most contentious and complex foreign policy issues facing the international community is pretty rachet.
I’m in no way condoning getting involved militarily or emotionally in this conflict. We’re all sick of that shit. But Obama needs to sack up and start exerting real pressure on Israel, Palestine and the region as a whole to come to some agreement ending the violence.
As much as we’d all like to believe, Hamas isn’t going away, and neither is wide-ranging, violent unrest for that matter. At least not until a real solution is achieved on how to deal with Israel and Palestine. And with a new regional dynamic emerging, the need, and opportunity, has never been greater for assertive American diplomatic leadership, bro.
Every year around football season the bros and me get together for a little courtship with the hot sororities. You know how it is: we sing a little song about smanging (smash it and bang it, bro), send some flowers (bitches love orchids), and get them wasted on Pinnacle Whipped.
Then we pop the question: “Hey girl, I know you’re into us. So let’s cut the chitchat. You’re going to get down with us tonight.”
To which, obviously, they respond: “Of course, my bros! You are so strong and masculine and look like you could bench 350 while nailing one of my sorority sisters!” Because that’s exactly what girls look for in men.
Now, I don’t know how Mitt Bromney feels about football (looks more like a LAX bro to me). But damn bro, if you want to get in voter’s panties you seriously need to adjust your foreign policy game.
Basically, Romney, you need to get the American populace wet with a new, bold agenda. Just like we did to those sorority hoes when we sang them Lil’ Wayne’s “Lollipop” with our shirts off. It was fuckin’ tight.
Romney’s speech at the Virginia Military Institute sounded like a mix between George W. Bush and Obama. First off bro, Romney needs to hop off George W. Bush’s dick or he’s never going to achieve any sort of substantive foreign policy credentials.
People remember George W. Bush, bro, mainly how he got Iraq pregnant and got slammed into paying child support for 10 years. The bro’s got a kid weighing him down. Romney is never going to get laid with that kind of shit on his plate.
So my bro Romney went up there and tried to talk a big game. But, like every thing else about his campaign, it was devoid of any substance; just meaningless rhetoric that didn’t differ in any way from Barack O’Drama.
That’s like us going to Kappa Gamma and singing “Love in this Club” right after PIKE left. It’s boring, bro. And it makes you look like a cop-swag. No one gets laid by copping other bro’s swag. You look desperate.
Instead of outlining a new agenda, Mitt went on stage and outlined an Iran policy that was almost identical to Brobama’s, said some weird bullshit about how Russia is a looming geostrategic threat (bro, what?), and offered no real solution to the worsening civil war in Syria other than “arm the revels.” That’s just dumb bro.
You can’t just go on stage and spout some bullshit about how Obama is weak and apologizes for America and then advocate for an interventionism and increased defense spending. Chicks see right through that and you look like a coward with no real policies of your own.
Real barbershop talk, no razors no chalk: if you don’t add some meat to your foreign policy credentials you’re going to end up like a wimpy little bitch rather than a hulking bro who can bench 350 and nail bitches.
Forget Barack bro, just get up there and spit some hot fire about how dope your frat is and how the American people should let you check out their bedroom tonight so you can show them how a real man treats hot bitches. Get the American people drunk off cheap Vodka (American exceptionalism) and then slam them with some completely impractical foreign policy bro-speak. Just like you’d slam the Iranian government: hard, powerful and ultimately very unsatisfying.
Otherwise you’ll be 75 years old and still trying to bang Ann. I know she’s hot right now bro, but after 5 kids that shit’s tore up. The American people are young and tight. You need to get it while its hot, bro.