Any bro who’s worth his weight in muscle mass knows the gym is the best place to pick up chicks. It’s mad easy: you stroll in there with an old high school tank top (sleeves cut-off for maximum gun exposure), check yourself out in the mirror (looking swoll, bro) and throw off some glances at sorority girls doing hot yoga (wuttup mamacita). It’s like shooting fish in a barrel full of Pinnacle vodka.
But we don’t get this body with indiscriminate across-the-board lifting. No bro, it takes a balanced, responsible approach to get this swoll, along the same guidelines as reducing our national deficit.
Normally we’re not about giving away our lifting secrets, but with a looming sequestration deadline of March 1st, it’s time for everyone to get swoll and responsible with deficit reduction:
1. Diversify Your Workout
A comprehensive muscle-building regime requires a comprehensive approach to getting swoll. Much like the silver hair of the alpha male mountain gorilla, some chicks love guys with tree-trunk arms and kegs for stomachs, but screw that bro. Truly swoll bros focus on the core to avoid looking like a heavy-armed bitch.
Any deficit reduction plan also requires a broad-sweeping approach. A combination of spending cuts (domestic and defense) combined with tax reform that closes loopholes and opens new sources of revenue is the only way to meaningfully reduce the deficit in a fair way. As our European bros showed, austerity policies on their own do not work. We need pro-growth policies combined with smart, targeted cuts and revenue increases.
Bro like, I don’t even get it. Corporate tax breaks and loopholes added up to about $150 billion in lost revenue. And don’t even get me going on tax breaks for Big Oil.
Plus, closing tax loopholes isn’t technically a tax hike, but more like cutting out domestic spending programs that only benefit the wealthiest and most connected Americans. It’s kind of like taking a creatine supplement and people give you shit for it like you’re taking steroids or some shit. It’s not the same. Shut up.
2. Cut non-essential, fatty foods from your diet
Beer and liquor are essential components of any frat diet, so let’s leave those aside. But bro, what are you doing eating a $20 deep-dish pizza at 2:00am on a Thursday? I get it, you’re high as shit but seriously, there’s a reason your arms make bitches run like Al Queda operatives from a drone strike.
You need to cut that shit out and eat protein. Protein makes up the core of muscle building, muscles make up the core of swag; it’s pretty fucking simple bro.
Protein is like mandatory government programs (Medicare, Social Security, Food Stamps, etc.) They’re essential to a functioning modern society for a number of reasons and simply “cutting spending” isn’t a legitimate argument. Yes, we need to reform our social programs to accommodate for waste and a growth in eligible participants. But let’s do so in a smart, fair way. Be humane about it bro.
But things like fossil fuel subsidies are stupid and don’t contribute to a healthy economy or a swoll body. Credible estimates of annual fossil fuel subsidies range from $10 billion to $52 billion annual. I get the arguments in rising gas prices negatively impacting our economy but fucking deal with it.
Same with cuts to Defense. Democrats and Republicans refuse to cut defense spending but it’s totally out of control. The U.S. government spent almost $718 billion on defense and international security in 2011. Now, this particular bro understands the need for a strong military presence, as well as the impacts a portion of defense has on our domestic economy, but cut that shit out bro.
And can we talk about agricultural price supports and subsidized crop insurance programs? They mainly benefit large commercial farmers, crowd out local family farms and in no way impact the price of Natty Ice. Cut it.
3. DO SOMETHING
You’re not going to pick up bitches smoking weed and eating Cheetos on your couch, and you’re not going to reduce the Federal deficit by continuously kicking the proverbial can down the road.
Clearly this is an issue that needs to be addressed and until it is, we’ll keep fighting the same budgetary battles over and over, leaving important reforms to immigration, gun control, etc. off to the side like an ugly girl at a mixer.
But let’s acknowledge that there are a lot of arguments to be made that the deficit may not even matter. A recent CBO reported the 2013 budget deficit would be 5.3% of GDP; almost half of what it was when President Obama took office. The report showed that growth in health care spending continues to slow, potentially as a result of the Affordable Care Act or just a recovering economy. Consumer debt after taxes has reduced back to 1994 levels.
Maybe things just aren’t as bad as Washington would like us to believe.
Before we get into politics I just got to say: Obama, Biden and Boehner looked swagged out in pastel ties last night. Like, was this a State of the Union address or Alpha Phi’s Pastel Bro’s and Easter Bunny Hoes party?
If it was anything like the party, it probably ended with tequila body shots off of Nancy Pelosi, some weird shit with the gavel and John Boehner waking up to Facebook photos of him and Biden with their shirts off passing comprehensive immigration reform in the Senate (which would be dope).
But anyway, if Obama’s inauguration speech was hitting the last cup on the beer pong table for the comeback victory, the State of the Union was Obama reaching across the table, backhanding the House Republican Caucus and taking all their wives upstairs for some one-on-one discussions on a newly proposed stimulus package. You feel me, bro?
Obama delivered a boldly progressive agenda; one that not only served to flesh out the broad concepts outlined at his Inauguration, but also laid the groundwork for a fundamental restructuring of governmental philosophies and civic engagement in a 21st century America.
More so than any State of the Union in recent memory, Brobama truly articulated a progressive vision for the future of America, one that sought to promote a renewed faith in the social contract that has forever been the cornerstone of the American ideal.
The agenda harkened back to the days of Lyndon Johnson’s Great Society and FDR’s New Deal, when government was not seen with animosity, but as a protector of the public systems that built our shared prosperity: a focus on building a robust middle class, a shout-out to voting rights, clean energy, smart manufacturing and a rousing appeal for gun-control legislation.
We even got a jab at Mitt Romney on indexing the minimum wage to inflation, a proposal that Romney supported briefly (typical Romney, bro).
Most striking though, was Obama’s riff on the poorest Americans. He evoked imagery of communities wrought with “inescapable pockets of poverty;” one’s that present unimaginable barriers to entry into a productive workforce. Having spent his youth embedded in these communities on Chicago’s south side, it was refreshing to hear Obama acknowledge the American’s who, in his own words, led him to seek the presidency in the first place.
This was an important speech for Obama; the doorway for pushing through his legislative agenda is closing as we approach the 2014-midterm elections. And my bro, for the most part, took advantage of it.
Sure, most of Obama’s agenda will probably get stalled in Congress. But this bro threw down the gauntlet. He walked up to the hottest chick at the party, red Solo cup in hand and said, “this is me babe, take it or leave it.”
Ladies love confidence, and if nothing else my bro’s swag was through the Capitol roof. Now he needs to turn that swag into tangible legislative success.
Bros fucking love to get high, but not for pussy, tree-hugging existential bullshit. No, we smoke weed to get fucked up as shit. You might think frat life is all about booze and bitches, but you’d be fucking wrong, bro. After a heavy night of raging and banging slampieces there’s nothing we love more than getting high and playing FIFA with our bros.
Which is why when weed was legalized in Colorado and Washington we threw a mad rager and pounded through a couple zips of that good kush. That shit’s a step in the right direction, bro and deserves to be celebrated.
But now the Federal Justice Department is considering plans for legal action that would undermine the voter-approved initiatives. Bro, what? We finally have real progress on ending the expensive, cruel and unnecessary War on Drugs and the Federal Government wants to come in and take that shit away? Totally not chill, bro.
First of all, Barack, come on bro. We all know you smoked mad herb in high school and college. In Dreams of My Father you even wrote that you would smoke “in a white classmate’s sparkling new van,” or “in the dorm room of some brother, “ and even “on the beach with a couple Hawaiian kids.”
And in an early sign of your policy genius, you even popularized the concept of “roof hits.” Here’s an actual quote from one of Obama’s former classmates:
“When they were chooming in a car all the windows had to be rolled up so no smoke blew out and went to waste; when the pot was gone, they tilted their heads back and sucked in the last bit of smoke from the ceiling.”
Who even does that? That’s like next level stoner shit bro, and I’m impressed as fuck.
Secondly, and arguably more important, draconian Federal drug laws place a huge burden on our economy. When we’re embroiled in a debate on how to adequately address our country’s fiscal maladies, why reject policies that could help reduce the deficit in a profound way?
One report showed that legalizing marijuana and implementing a system of taxation and regulation would save the federal government $7.7 billion a year and generate between $2.4 and $6.2 billion in additional revenue for the federal government depending on how it is taxed.
A policy that would drive huge amounts of revenue and cut spending? That’s something Congressional Republicans and the White House should light up a joint and celebrate about.
This is shit you probably already know but it stands worth repeating: Legalization of marijuana is good for society and our economy. And as we stand on the precipice of real progress towards serious, tangible drug reform, the prospect of the federal government stepping in and destroying voter-approved, constitutional policies state-by-state is a scary one indeed.
And Barack, you know we all got your back bro. Do the right thing and let the states determine their own policies. Choom Gang for Life, homie. Don’t let us down.
Mmmm…I love me some strong ladies. You know the type; walking all sexy in your native garb, not giving a fuck about the patriarchal power structure that dominates our international institutions. Yeah girl. You’re independent and I dig that about you.
Bros, I got to be straight up with you. Every time I’m taking massive bong rips and watching Al Jazeera, I see Malawi’s President Mrs. Joyce Banda walk across the screen and my heart skips a beat. Yeah bro, that’s love.
Why do I feel this way, bro? Why do my palms get sweaty whenever I think about Mrs. Banda advocating for a concerted effort to combat government corruption and her unwavering dedication to furthering the rights of women in Africa? Yeah, I can bang any slampiece I want (and I do), but afterwards I always feel…unsatisfied.
I think I know why, bro. It’s because President Banda is a sterling example of why we need more women leading countries in the modern era.
First let’s lay down some facts: increased freedom for women has always been tied to democratization and growth in developing countries. Educated women that attend school are less likely to marry at a young age, leading to fewer pregnancies and strengthening the work force in the country.
A push for women’s rights also generally includes access to reproductive healthcare, further decreasing the high costs and burdens associated with rapidly growing, uneducated populations. These, among other factors, can foster profoundly positive benefits for any civil society.
Women tend to understand this better than men, for obvious reasons; it’s their rights at stake. As a product of such policies herself, Banda understands the importance of a paradigm shift in the role of women around the world, starting with revamping access to public health services for women in Malawi.
This is not to imply that men do not understand women’s rights and privileges. Shit, my bros and me love the ladies. We know how to treat a woman right—to understand a woman’s wants, and a woman’s needs. You can tell by the amount of hot bitches we get down with every weekend. But it’s not difficult to grasp why women tend to promote these policies more than men.
Today, Banda was honored by Africa’s largest women organization, “Women in Development” for her work in protecting women’s rights and seeking economic empowerment for women across the world.
If I could have one night with Banda, I would take her out to a dank restaurant and discuss her B+ public health protocol for PMTCT. Then I would take her back to my crib and make sweet, gentle love to her, whispering in her ear: “damn baby, your commitment to the economic well-being and advancement of women is so hot.”
Yeah we got bitches, yeah we got hoes. But at the end of the day what we really need are leaders who understand the fundamental importance of women’s rights to any country, developing or otherwise. That’s what’s really sexy.