Everyone knows chicks dig guys with an intimate knowledge of foreign policy issues. And everyone also knows that chicks go wild for cheesy pick-up lines.
So if you’re heading out to an international defense and diplomacy conference tonight and want to mack on some ladies, take these 10 foreign policy pick-up lines along for the ride and get bitches wetter than the melting polar ice caps:
1. Damn girl, you’re so hot you’re more than likely responsible for the 5 million deaths per year that result from climate change and a warming planet.
2. Hey baby, are you Iran’s uranium enrichment program? ‘Cause you’re the bomb!
3. Hey girl, let’s go back to my place and discuss methods to solve the Eurozone debt crisis because I’ve got some pro-growth policies we can talk about all night long.
4. Are you an Oil Refinery Plant in Southeast China? Because you take my breath away!
5. If you stood in front of a mirror and held 11 diamonds produced by child slaves in Sierra Leone you’d see 12 of the most beautiful things in the world.
6. You must be an air raid ordered on Aleppo by the Syrian government because you just blew me away.
7. Damn baby, you’ve got me feeling like a Sunni Muslim district in Baghdad because I’m about to explode!
8. The U.S. Congress should use YOU to avoid the fiscal cliff, because you’re stimulating my fiscal package right now.
9. Are you the National Defense Authorization Act? Because you’ve indefinitely detained my heart!
10. If you were Afghanistan and I was the United States, I’d never pullout.
My boy Barack O-Drama had a big day today. In what would be his last speech to the UNGA before the November elections, he obviously wanted to bring down the house with some real-talk about geopolitics and America’s place in the world. Swag. Go lay the proverbial smack down on all these bitch-ass nations, bro. I wanna see some tears.
But what did we get instead? Some straight-up pussy speech about “protecting free speech” and the “painstaking work of reform.” Come on bro, you’re better than that. Seriously, me and my bros didn’t wake up and 7:30am and pregame hard before the opening of the UN General Assembly to see some daytime television pandering to the Muslim-world.
But I get it Barry (Choom Squad 4 Lyfe, homie). In an era of increasing hostility between the West and the Muslim world, it’s important to throw election year politics aside and work for meaningful change on a global level. Focusing his speech on the power of free speech and shit like that was a good call.
My favorite part of the speech came when Barry was like, “As president of our country, and commander-in-chief of our military, I accept that people are going to call me awful things everyday. And I will defend their right to do so.”
Looks like Barack has been watching 8 Mile recently. He totally jacked that strategy from Rabbit, when he was all like, “Yeah I got problems, but you’re still a bitch.” Now when other nations try to front on us, what are they going to say?
But at the risk of sounding un-American, I think the main story should be Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad rolling up to New York 140 delegates deep. Bro, that’s like half the people who were at our Foam Party last week coming to a fuckin’ policy conference.
And even more impressive was that most of that delegation is staying at the swagtastic Warwick hotel for over $1600 a night. After a series of political missteps at home and a public power struggle with conservatives in the Iranian parliament, my man Mahmoud can still bring the party with him. Seriously bro.
There’s showing the force of your military through training exercises in the Persian Gulf, and then there’s showing the force of your swag through rolling up with a huge posse and getting bitches at swank New York hotels.
If the United States and Iran were fighting over a contentious swag program instead of nuclear one, I think Barack Obama may have just gotten embarrassed.
Swag Score: Iran-1, U.S.-0