Tagged: israel

Israel: Your Grandma is Worried Sick About Settlements in East Jerusalem

Feed Me Buube

Yo Israel,

What’s up אח (bro)? Your bubbe (grandmother) misses you; I was just talking to her yesterday. She wanted me to tell you that you were getting too thin and should find a nice Jewish girl to settle down with. Oh, and she mentioned that you should renege on your plans to build settlements in the E-1 region of Eastern Jerusalem.

She said something about how the announcement was a deliberate provocation of the Palestinian people following the UN’s vote to recognize Palestine as a non-member observer state.

Bro look, the E-1 territory is considered one of the most sensitive in the region and should the plans come to fruition it would essentially close the door on a contiguous Palestinian state.

Israel, you’ve already isolated yourself from the international community following the extreme acts of aggression committed against a vastly outgunned occupied territory (can’t call it a state). And on Monday Britain, France, Sweden, Denmark and Spain all summoned their ambassadors back home in protest. You’re losing friends and you’re making your bubbe sick.

She’s really worried about you, bro. With all of the turmoil and changes in your ‘hood, now is not the time to exacerbate what can accurately be called the focal point of why everyone thinks you’re a total dick. And now that we have popularly elected governments in transitional phases, anti-Israeli sentiments are entering the public discourse after years of suppression.

That means you’ve no longer got U.S. established governments to back you up. It’s like if you picked a fight with the swollest bro at the gym, but then when you turn around you realize your bros are busy hitting on hot bitches doing yoga. Bro’s before ho’s doesn’t apply when there’s slampieces to be had, and it doesn’t apply when there’s the potential for violent intra-state conflict.

Let’s be real, Israel. Sure, moving settlements into volatile territories might alleviate some security concerns. But that argument is essentially like saying the only way to deal with your hangover is to stop drinking. It’s not that you drink too much, it’s that you’re a little bitch who can’t hold his liquor. Get your shit together and frat harder.

You’re entirely missing the fundamental issue that’s driving aggressive behavior from Palestine. Mainly, you’ve pushed them to the brink of a complete devolvement of a cohesive Palestinian identity so they’re fighting back with the only outlet they now have: violence. Because when Palestine does pursue peaceful diplomatic avenues, you treat them like a GDI: worthless, annoying and severely lacking in swag. And by the way, don’t even mention the Oslo Accord. Even your bubbe thinks it’s total bullshit.

Listen, this isn’t coming from me. It’s coming from you’re grandma, your bubbe, who’s worried sick about your behavior. She loves you, bro. And you’re killing her. You’re killing your grandmother with worry (her words, not mine).

Giver her some peace bro, stop building settlements in occupied territory and start serious negotiations on a two-state solution. And call your grandmother more. Because according to her, when she’s dead you’re going to miss you. Not that you should feel guilty or anything (you should feel guilty).

Hopefully we won’t have to have this talk again soon. But until next time, bro’chaim!


A Slightly Perturbed and Concerned Bro


Obama Needs to Sack Up and Deal With the Middle East

It’s been quite awhile since Israel and Palestine chested up, hasn’t it bro? I think the last time was four years ago, when Israel invaded Gaza, leaving 1,300 Palestinians and 13 Israelis dead. Too much Tequila, that’s what it was.

But now here we are again, with more than 100 Palestinians and 13 Israelis left dead and hundreds wounded over the course of 6-days. And it’s showing no signs of slowing down.

We’ve got Hamas’ Top Leader, Khaled Meshal, taunting Israel on launching a ground invasion with the equivalent of a, “Come at me, bro! Come at me!” And Israel, recognizing the catastrophic potential of a ground invasion is all like, “Hold me back, bro! Hold me back!” But soon no one will be able to hold them back, bro.

With the conflict escalating rapidly, the international community is starting to ask, “Where’s our bro Obama?” And the only response we’ve gotten so far is a declaration of support for Israel’s air raids and a complete ignorance of the plight of the Palestinian people. And that was 5-days after the start of the conflict.

Shit, I remember in the good old days and American diplomat would’ve gone to Israel as soon as this shit got riled up. Probably with a couple zips and some fifths of liquor to lighten the mood and pick up those hot Israeli bitches.

Yet six days into the conflict, the Europeans and the Arab League are proactive in finding a solution while America is all like, “fuck that noise, I’m going to pick up some hookers in Thailand and get wasted.”

Don’t get me wrong, bro. President Bro-bama’s pragmatic, studied approach to foreign policy is extremely refreshing, especially after 8 years of neo-conservative nation building. It’s like chasing some ratchet vodka with Sprite. Get’s the taste right out so you can start making out with bitches without tasting like old potatoes.

But that being said, you can’t just turn a blind eye to decades of an American-dominated foreign agenda in the Middle East and expect no one to notice. Libya, continued violence in Syria, and now a renewed Israeli-Palestinian crisis all point to a power vacuum left by America’s declining role in the region.

Pivoting our resources to Asia is a baller move, bro, let’s tame that fuckin’ dragon. But look at the facts. Right now the world is relying on an inexperienced regime in Egypt, Quatar and Turkey to put pressure on Hamas to agree to a ceasefire. All of which have clear biases towards supporting Palestine.

So Turkey and Quatar might be able to make an impact. But putting an inexperienced Morsi out in the spotlight to deal with one of the most contentious and complex foreign policy issues facing the international community is pretty rachet.

I’m in no way condoning getting involved militarily or emotionally in this conflict. We’re all sick of that shit. But Obama needs to sack up and start exerting real pressure on Israel, Palestine and the region as a whole to come to some agreement ending the violence.

As much as we’d all like to believe, Hamas isn’t going away, and neither is wide-ranging, violent unrest for that matter. At least not until a real solution is achieved on how to deal with Israel and Palestine. And with a new regional dynamic emerging, the need, and opportunity, has never been greater for assertive American diplomatic leadership, bro.