Anyone familiar with Greek Life knows about the yearly courtship rituals of Rush Week. Now, we spit rock-solid game when we’re macking on sorostitutes at mixers, which comes in handy when we’re going for bromantic flirting with freshman. Now that you know about our swag, here’s a solid bro-tip: Always keep liquor handy.
I know what you’re thinking: “Bro, that’s super irresponsible. Why would you give hard alcohol to 18 year olds who probably have never gotten drunk before? It’s dangerous, irresponsible and could potentially come back and bite you in the ass if one of your pledges gets rowdy and throws up on your slampiece.”
Well first of all, shut up bro. You sound like a little bitch and if you’ve got a problem then why don’t you go chill with some GDIs in the dorms. Frat, Country, God, Football.
But bro, I have to admit you make a reasonable point. Giving dangerous things to people who don’t know how to use them or may end up screwing you over isn’t a good idea. Just ask the Obama administration.
Late in the Libyan revolution, the U.S. government gave its blessing to ship arms to Libyan rebels via Qatar. Yeah, the rebels were just a rag-tag group of civilians but hey what’s the worst that can happen?
A lot, bro. It’s now coming to light that Qatar was turning some of those American weapons over to Islamic militants who weren’t looking to fight for freedom and democracy. The weapons and military equipment have now become a destabilizing force in the tumultuous path to democracy that Libya and have made their way across North Africa to Mali
It’s like when we give freshman pledges shots of Vodka at a huge rager, knowing full well they can’t drink worth shit and we have very little oversight of their behavior around it. Shit, one of them could pass out and get stomped on. Then we’ve got a lawsuit on our hands and that harms everyone. This campus would be boring as hell without our sick ragers.
What other option do we have though? No one wants to be the dry frat, it’s fucking embarrassing and no bitches want to hook up sober. So we take the risk and hope no ratchet shit goes down in the crib.
And what other option did the U.S. government have? Although NATO provided air support, wars are won on the ground and no one wants to get embroiled in another Middle East quagmire.
Which brings us to Syria. Like most armed uprising, factions of the rebellion have been co-opted by extremists more interested in Jihad and establishing an Islamic state than the actual health and safety of the Syrian people. This presents a huge problem for any proposals on solving the crisis and promoting a Syrian opposition coalition: how can we be sure we’re helping the right people?
Next week, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is expected to endorse the opposition coalition as the legitimate representative of the Syrian people at the “Friends of Syria” conference in Morocco.
But what coalition are we really endorsing? Within days of forming the coalition 14 fighting groups rejected it and committed to establishing a hard-line Islamic state after ousting President Assad. This is pretty indicative of a rising trend in the number of Salafi fighters in Syria, many of who are not from Syria but have joined the fight under the banner of Al Qaeda and militant jihad.
Where does this leave us? Every bro knows that liquor is critical to running a successful frat house. It gets bitches hammered and helps us bromance new freshman pledges. We can worry about the consequences later bro, tonight’s gonna be sick. We’re all getting laid.
But arming militant Islamist forces can have serious implications for not only the region, but for our domestic security as well. History has shown that when the U.S. gets involved in foreign conflicts militarily, it never ends well.
So if/when the United States endorses an opposition government; let’s leave arming their military forces off the table for now, bro.
What’s up אח (bro)? Your bubbe (grandmother) misses you; I was just talking to her yesterday. She wanted me to tell you that you were getting too thin and should find a nice Jewish girl to settle down with. Oh, and she mentioned that you should renege on your plans to build settlements in the E-1 region of Eastern Jerusalem.
She said something about how the announcement was a deliberate provocation of the Palestinian people following the UN’s vote to recognize Palestine as a non-member observer state.
Bro look, the E-1 territory is considered one of the most sensitive in the region and should the plans come to fruition it would essentially close the door on a contiguous Palestinian state.
Israel, you’ve already isolated yourself from the international community following the extreme acts of aggression committed against a vastly outgunned occupied territory (can’t call it a state). And on Monday Britain, France, Sweden, Denmark and Spain all summoned their ambassadors back home in protest. You’re losing friends and you’re making your bubbe sick.
She’s really worried about you, bro. With all of the turmoil and changes in your ‘hood, now is not the time to exacerbate what can accurately be called the focal point of why everyone thinks you’re a total dick. And now that we have popularly elected governments in transitional phases, anti-Israeli sentiments are entering the public discourse after years of suppression.
That means you’ve no longer got U.S. established governments to back you up. It’s like if you picked a fight with the swollest bro at the gym, but then when you turn around you realize your bros are busy hitting on hot bitches doing yoga. Bro’s before ho’s doesn’t apply when there’s slampieces to be had, and it doesn’t apply when there’s the potential for violent intra-state conflict.
Let’s be real, Israel. Sure, moving settlements into volatile territories might alleviate some security concerns. But that argument is essentially like saying the only way to deal with your hangover is to stop drinking. It’s not that you drink too much, it’s that you’re a little bitch who can’t hold his liquor. Get your shit together and frat harder.
You’re entirely missing the fundamental issue that’s driving aggressive behavior from Palestine. Mainly, you’ve pushed them to the brink of a complete devolvement of a cohesive Palestinian identity so they’re fighting back with the only outlet they now have: violence. Because when Palestine does pursue peaceful diplomatic avenues, you treat them like a GDI: worthless, annoying and severely lacking in swag. And by the way, don’t even mention the Oslo Accord. Even your bubbe thinks it’s total bullshit.
Listen, this isn’t coming from me. It’s coming from you’re grandma, your bubbe, who’s worried sick about your behavior. She loves you, bro. And you’re killing her. You’re killing your grandmother with worry (her words, not mine).
Giver her some peace bro, stop building settlements in occupied territory and start serious negotiations on a two-state solution. And call your grandmother more. Because according to her, when she’s dead you’re going to miss you. Not that you should feel guilty or anything (you should feel guilty).
Hopefully we won’t have to have this talk again soon. But until next time, bro’chaim!
A Slightly Perturbed and Concerned Bro
Everyone knows chicks dig guys with an intimate knowledge of foreign policy issues. And everyone also knows that chicks go wild for cheesy pick-up lines.
So if you’re heading out to an international defense and diplomacy conference tonight and want to mack on some ladies, take these 10 foreign policy pick-up lines along for the ride and get bitches wetter than the melting polar ice caps:
1. Damn girl, you’re so hot you’re more than likely responsible for the 5 million deaths per year that result from climate change and a warming planet.
2. Hey baby, are you Iran’s uranium enrichment program? ‘Cause you’re the bomb!
3. Hey girl, let’s go back to my place and discuss methods to solve the Eurozone debt crisis because I’ve got some pro-growth policies we can talk about all night long.
4. Are you an Oil Refinery Plant in Southeast China? Because you take my breath away!
5. If you stood in front of a mirror and held 11 diamonds produced by child slaves in Sierra Leone you’d see 12 of the most beautiful things in the world.
6. You must be an air raid ordered on Aleppo by the Syrian government because you just blew me away.
7. Damn baby, you’ve got me feeling like a Sunni Muslim district in Baghdad because I’m about to explode!
8. The U.S. Congress should use YOU to avoid the fiscal cliff, because you’re stimulating my fiscal package right now.
9. Are you the National Defense Authorization Act? Because you’ve indefinitely detained my heart!
10. If you were Afghanistan and I was the United States, I’d never pullout.