Alright McConnell, we’ve had enough of this. With less than a day to go, fiscal cliff negotiations aimed at avoiding massive tax increases and huge spending cuts have reached a standstill. Yup, it seems like our country is about to take a dive into the fiscal unknown. Big surprise, right?

C’mon Mitch, all of this fighting and bickering is getting ridiculous. I know you have to appeal to you party’s base, and yeah keeping your job is important (especially in this broken economy) but we can all see through this shit to the real root of the problem: you just want to bone the Democratic caucus.

How can we tell? Well Sen. Mitch McConnell is going on the senate floor saying bullshit like he’s willing to deal but, “[he] needs a dance partner.” Bro, if you want someone to dance with just sneak up behind them and start grinding on them. Works every time. Plus, you sound desperate and lonely.

Next, you called Joe Biden into the negotiating process. Bro, Joe Biden is Chief Executive of Slamming Bitches. The man can walk into a meeting with the Congressional Female Caucus and have them naked and drunk in minutes. Clearly you’re looking to get down and dirty.

Listen Mitch, I know from experience: there’s nothing more difficult for a stone-cold bro then revealing his feelings. That’s why we only talk to bitches when we’re trashed (also sororstitutes are annoying as fuck when they’re sober). But when there’s a chick that we just can’t shake we always man up, buy flowers or some shit like that and say, “listen bitch, come over and let’s get fiscal.”

So cut the bullshit, McConnell. You know as well as anyone going over the fiscal cliff is a political win for President Obama. One way or another Brobama is getting the tax increases he wants, almost half of the spending cuts come from defense (red meat for the Democrat’s base) and national polling indicates that a majority of Americans will blame the Republican Party if a deal isn’t reached.

Bro you can go up on the Senate floor and say the Democrat’s proposals are inadequate and don’t address the root causes of our out of control spending on entitlement programs, and you do have a point. President Obama has put significant spending cuts on the table in return for increased revenues and that’s fine, but until we achieve meaningful reform to entitlement programs it won’t make any difference.

But that’s a debate for a different day. At this point a deal will most likely come in the form of a stopgap measure to avert fiscal ruin, passing the issue off to the end of February when we’re sure to see a political battle over the debt ceiling.

So basically, Mitch McConnel needs to concede to Obama’s calls for higher taxes, extend tax cuts for the middle class and just come out and say he wants the Democrat’s caucus (read: the man wants the big D). Otherwise the financial ruin caused by political gridlock over the fiscal cliff is only just the beginning of the end.