Before we get into politics I just got to say: Obama, Biden and Boehner looked swagged out in pastel ties last night. Like, was this a State of the Union address or Alpha Phi’s Pastel Bro’s and Easter Bunny Hoes party?
If it was anything like the party, it probably ended with tequila body shots off of Nancy Pelosi, some weird shit with the gavel and John Boehner waking up to Facebook photos of him and Biden with their shirts off passing comprehensive immigration reform in the Senate (which would be dope).
But anyway, if Obama’s inauguration speech was hitting the last cup on the beer pong table for the comeback victory, the State of the Union was Obama reaching across the table, backhanding the House Republican Caucus and taking all their wives upstairs for some one-on-one discussions on a newly proposed stimulus package. You feel me, bro?
Obama delivered a boldly progressive agenda; one that not only served to flesh out the broad concepts outlined at his Inauguration, but also laid the groundwork for a fundamental restructuring of governmental philosophies and civic engagement in a 21st century America.
More so than any State of the Union in recent memory, Brobama truly articulated a progressive vision for the future of America, one that sought to promote a renewed faith in the social contract that has forever been the cornerstone of the American ideal.
The agenda harkened back to the days of Lyndon Johnson’s Great Society and FDR’s New Deal, when government was not seen with animosity, but as a protector of the public systems that built our shared prosperity: a focus on building a robust middle class, a shout-out to voting rights, clean energy, smart manufacturing and a rousing appeal for gun-control legislation.
We even got a jab at Mitt Romney on indexing the minimum wage to inflation, a proposal that Romney supported briefly (typical Romney, bro).
Most striking though, was Obama’s riff on the poorest Americans. He evoked imagery of communities wrought with “inescapable pockets of poverty;” one’s that present unimaginable barriers to entry into a productive workforce. Having spent his youth embedded in these communities on Chicago’s south side, it was refreshing to hear Obama acknowledge the American’s who, in his own words, led him to seek the presidency in the first place.
This was an important speech for Obama; the doorway for pushing through his legislative agenda is closing as we approach the 2014-midterm elections. And my bro, for the most part, took advantage of it.
Sure, most of Obama’s agenda will probably get stalled in Congress. But this bro threw down the gauntlet. He walked up to the hottest chick at the party, red Solo cup in hand and said, “this is me babe, take it or leave it.”
Ladies love confidence, and if nothing else my bro’s swag was through the Capitol roof. Now he needs to turn that swag into tangible legislative success.
I’ve always known my boy Brobama was chill as fuck. Shit, during his Choom Gang days bro puffed that herb like it was his obligation as an American citizen. Which, being from Hawaii (the chillest of states), it was.
But Congress is like that nerd GDI in your Calculus class; you need him to do shit for you so you can mack on bitches all day, but you fuckin’ hate him because he acts like a little bitch and can’t bench-press his own bodyweight. Apparently though, that little bitch got a hold of some bud and offered up a hit to our Commander-in-Cheef in the form of a bi-partisan immigration reform proposal.
Yeah bro, you heard me right: bi-partisan. Whatever the reason, it seems that a political center is finally showing signs of coalescing around immigration reform, an issue that has for decades fractured our political landscape more than bros on opposite ends of the beer-pong table.
The “legislative pillars” of the Senate’s proposal include a “tough but fair” path to citizenship for undocumented immigrants that are already here (contingent on improved immigration and border enforcement), a requirement that employers verify their employees have legal-work status, allow foreigners who study science, math, engineering or manufacturing to remain in the country post-graduation, and make it easier for businesses to hire foreigners as temporary workers for low-skill jobs.
There are arguments for and against the framework, but basically it’s like being handed a filthy bong packed with ditch weed from Mexico (ironic, I know): you’d hit it because it addresses flaws inherent in our existing system, but it honestly tastes like shit and lacks a certain human element.
In response to the proposal, Baracka Flocka went to Vegas and gave a rousing speech, saying that the Senate proposal was “very much in line” with principles proposed by the White House.
Or in other words, “bro you got a light? Let’s hit this shit and finally relieve the millions of undocumented immigrants languishing under our draconian immigration system.”
In his speech President Obama rejected the enforcement trigger demanded by Republicans, and includes provisions that allow permanent residents to sponsor visas for a same-sex partner, in addition to other progressive recommendations. Mainly though, the architecture of both proposals are remarkably similar; a rarity in our era of hyper-partisanship.
Political implications aside, we can all agree that without reform to our immigration system, we will degrade the moral fabric that binds us together as Americans, and continue reject the world’s brightest individuals from contributing to American enterprise and investment.
Will these reforms truly fix our broken immigration system? Probably not. Will they solve the GOP’s political quagmire of courting Hispanic voters? Definitely not.
But it’s a start, and that’s a good place to be. Now let’s get high and pick up bitches in Cancun. Mexico’s the shit.
Alright McConnell, we’ve had enough of this. With less than a day to go, fiscal cliff negotiations aimed at avoiding massive tax increases and huge spending cuts have reached a standstill. Yup, it seems like our country is about to take a dive into the fiscal unknown. Big surprise, right?
C’mon Mitch, all of this fighting and bickering is getting ridiculous. I know you have to appeal to you party’s base, and yeah keeping your job is important (especially in this broken economy) but we can all see through this shit to the real root of the problem: you just want to bone the Democratic caucus.
How can we tell? Well Sen. Mitch McConnell is going on the senate floor saying bullshit like he’s willing to deal but, “[he] needs a dance partner.” Bro, if you want someone to dance with just sneak up behind them and start grinding on them. Works every time. Plus, you sound desperate and lonely.
Next, you called Joe Biden into the negotiating process. Bro, Joe Biden is Chief Executive of Slamming Bitches. The man can walk into a meeting with the Congressional Female Caucus and have them naked and drunk in minutes. Clearly you’re looking to get down and dirty.
Listen Mitch, I know from experience: there’s nothing more difficult for a stone-cold bro then revealing his feelings. That’s why we only talk to bitches when we’re trashed (also sororstitutes are annoying as fuck when they’re sober). But when there’s a chick that we just can’t shake we always man up, buy flowers or some shit like that and say, “listen bitch, come over and let’s get fiscal.”
So cut the bullshit, McConnell. You know as well as anyone going over the fiscal cliff is a political win for President Obama. One way or another Brobama is getting the tax increases he wants, almost half of the spending cuts come from defense (red meat for the Democrat’s base) and national polling indicates that a majority of Americans will blame the Republican Party if a deal isn’t reached.
Bro you can go up on the Senate floor and say the Democrat’s proposals are inadequate and don’t address the root causes of our out of control spending on entitlement programs, and you do have a point. President Obama has put significant spending cuts on the table in return for increased revenues and that’s fine, but until we achieve meaningful reform to entitlement programs it won’t make any difference.
But that’s a debate for a different day. At this point a deal will most likely come in the form of a stopgap measure to avert fiscal ruin, passing the issue off to the end of February when we’re sure to see a political battle over the debt ceiling.
So basically, Mitch McConnel needs to concede to Obama’s calls for higher taxes, extend tax cuts for the middle class and just come out and say he wants the Democrat’s caucus (read: the man wants the big D). Otherwise the financial ruin caused by political gridlock over the fiscal cliff is only just the beginning of the end.
It’s been quite awhile since Israel and Palestine chested up, hasn’t it bro? I think the last time was four years ago, when Israel invaded Gaza, leaving 1,300 Palestinians and 13 Israelis dead. Too much Tequila, that’s what it was.
But now here we are again, with more than 100 Palestinians and 13 Israelis left dead and hundreds wounded over the course of 6-days. And it’s showing no signs of slowing down.
We’ve got Hamas’ Top Leader, Khaled Meshal, taunting Israel on launching a ground invasion with the equivalent of a, “Come at me, bro! Come at me!” And Israel, recognizing the catastrophic potential of a ground invasion is all like, “Hold me back, bro! Hold me back!” But soon no one will be able to hold them back, bro.
With the conflict escalating rapidly, the international community is starting to ask, “Where’s our bro Obama?” And the only response we’ve gotten so far is a declaration of support for Israel’s air raids and a complete ignorance of the plight of the Palestinian people. And that was 5-days after the start of the conflict.
Shit, I remember in the good old days and American diplomat would’ve gone to Israel as soon as this shit got riled up. Probably with a couple zips and some fifths of liquor to lighten the mood and pick up those hot Israeli bitches.
Yet six days into the conflict, the Europeans and the Arab League are proactive in finding a solution while America is all like, “fuck that noise, I’m going to pick up some hookers in Thailand and get wasted.”
Don’t get me wrong, bro. President Bro-bama’s pragmatic, studied approach to foreign policy is extremely refreshing, especially after 8 years of neo-conservative nation building. It’s like chasing some ratchet vodka with Sprite. Get’s the taste right out so you can start making out with bitches without tasting like old potatoes.
But that being said, you can’t just turn a blind eye to decades of an American-dominated foreign agenda in the Middle East and expect no one to notice. Libya, continued violence in Syria, and now a renewed Israeli-Palestinian crisis all point to a power vacuum left by America’s declining role in the region.
Pivoting our resources to Asia is a baller move, bro, let’s tame that fuckin’ dragon. But look at the facts. Right now the world is relying on an inexperienced regime in Egypt, Quatar and Turkey to put pressure on Hamas to agree to a ceasefire. All of which have clear biases towards supporting Palestine.
So Turkey and Quatar might be able to make an impact. But putting an inexperienced Morsi out in the spotlight to deal with one of the most contentious and complex foreign policy issues facing the international community is pretty rachet.
I’m in no way condoning getting involved militarily or emotionally in this conflict. We’re all sick of that shit. But Obama needs to sack up and start exerting real pressure on Israel, Palestine and the region as a whole to come to some agreement ending the violence.
As much as we’d all like to believe, Hamas isn’t going away, and neither is wide-ranging, violent unrest for that matter. At least not until a real solution is achieved on how to deal with Israel and Palestine. And with a new regional dynamic emerging, the need, and opportunity, has never been greater for assertive American diplomatic leadership, bro.
My boy Barack O-Drama had a big day today. In what would be his last speech to the UNGA before the November elections, he obviously wanted to bring down the house with some real-talk about geopolitics and America’s place in the world. Swag. Go lay the proverbial smack down on all these bitch-ass nations, bro. I wanna see some tears.
But what did we get instead? Some straight-up pussy speech about “protecting free speech” and the “painstaking work of reform.” Come on bro, you’re better than that. Seriously, me and my bros didn’t wake up and 7:30am and pregame hard before the opening of the UN General Assembly to see some daytime television pandering to the Muslim-world.
But I get it Barry (Choom Squad 4 Lyfe, homie). In an era of increasing hostility between the West and the Muslim world, it’s important to throw election year politics aside and work for meaningful change on a global level. Focusing his speech on the power of free speech and shit like that was a good call.
My favorite part of the speech came when Barry was like, “As president of our country, and commander-in-chief of our military, I accept that people are going to call me awful things everyday. And I will defend their right to do so.”
Looks like Barack has been watching 8 Mile recently. He totally jacked that strategy from Rabbit, when he was all like, “Yeah I got problems, but you’re still a bitch.” Now when other nations try to front on us, what are they going to say?
But at the risk of sounding un-American, I think the main story should be Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad rolling up to New York 140 delegates deep. Bro, that’s like half the people who were at our Foam Party last week coming to a fuckin’ policy conference.
And even more impressive was that most of that delegation is staying at the swagtastic Warwick hotel for over $1600 a night. After a series of political missteps at home and a public power struggle with conservatives in the Iranian parliament, my man Mahmoud can still bring the party with him. Seriously bro.
There’s showing the force of your military through training exercises in the Persian Gulf, and then there’s showing the force of your swag through rolling up with a huge posse and getting bitches at swank New York hotels.
If the United States and Iran were fighting over a contentious swag program instead of nuclear one, I think Barack Obama may have just gotten embarrassed.
Swag Score: Iran-1, U.S.-0