Tagged: policy

10 Domestic Policy Pick-Up Lines That Will Totally Get You Laid

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We’ve already covered Foreign Policy Pick-Up Lines, but what about those bitties who didn’t even know Mali was a country (it’s alright babe, shit’s complicated).

Well I got your back, bro. Here are 10 Domestic Policy Pick-Up Lines that are sure to get you laid at your next political conclave:

1. If your left leg was a ban on assault weapons and your right leg was dogmatic platitudes on second amendment rights, would you let me come down the middle?

2. If I told you your body was a Conservative negotiating bi-partisan agreements with President Obama, would you hold it against me in the 2014 mid-term elections?

3. Hey girl, I’m like Rand Paul filibustering the nomination of John Brennan to CIA director: I’ll keep you up all night long.

4. I’ve got a Keystone XL Pipeline right here girl, so let’s go back to my place and drill baby drill.

5. You hear about this sequester nonsense? How about we check out my crib and I’ll show you the virtues of pro-growth stimulus.

6. Damn girl, you must have been a terrorist leader in Somalia because you look like you came straight out of heaven.

7. Hey baby, let’s play comprehensive immigration reform: you can be the door to citizenship and I’ll slam you all night long!

8. Baby I’ll be the sequester and you’ll be the national deficit when you’re going down tonight.

9. Are you a General Atomics MQ-1 Predator Drone? Because you blow me away!

10. You must be Wells Fargo the way you got my large compensation rising.

So there they are. Go get it, bro.

Obama to Congress: Hit This and Let’s Fix Immigration, Brochachos

"Be chill, bro."

                                                                                   “Be chill, bro.”

I’ve always known my boy Brobama was chill as fuck. Shit, during his Choom Gang days bro puffed that herb like it was his obligation as an American citizen. Which, being from Hawaii (the chillest of states), it was.

But Congress is like that nerd GDI in your Calculus class; you need him to do shit for you so you can mack on bitches all day, but you fuckin’ hate him because he acts like a little bitch and can’t bench-press his own bodyweight. Apparently though, that little bitch got a hold of some bud and offered up a hit to our Commander-in-Cheef in the form of a bi-partisan immigration reform proposal.

Yeah bro, you heard me right: bi-partisan. Whatever the reason, it seems that a political center is finally showing signs of coalescing around immigration reform, an issue that has for decades fractured our political landscape more than bros on opposite ends of the beer-pong table.

The “legislative pillars” of the Senate’s proposal include a “tough but fair” path to citizenship for undocumented immigrants that are already here (contingent on improved immigration and border enforcement), a requirement that employers verify their employees have legal-work status, allow foreigners who study science, math, engineering or manufacturing to remain in the country post-graduation, and make it easier for businesses to hire foreigners as temporary workers for low-skill jobs.

There are arguments for and against the framework, but basically it’s like being handed a filthy bong packed with ditch weed from Mexico (ironic, I know): you’d hit it because it addresses flaws inherent in our existing system, but it honestly tastes like shit and lacks a certain human element.

In response to the proposal, Baracka Flocka went to Vegas and gave a rousing speech, saying that the Senate proposal was “very much in line” with principles proposed by the White House.

Or in other words, “bro you got a light? Let’s hit this shit and finally relieve the millions of undocumented immigrants languishing under our draconian immigration system.”

In his speech President Obama rejected the enforcement trigger demanded by Republicans, and includes provisions that allow permanent residents to sponsor visas for a same-sex partner, in addition to other progressive recommendations. Mainly though, the architecture of both proposals are remarkably similar; a rarity in our era of hyper-partisanship.

Political implications aside, we can all agree that without reform to our immigration system, we will degrade the moral fabric that binds us together as Americans, and continue reject the world’s brightest individuals from contributing to American enterprise and investment.

Will these reforms truly fix our broken immigration system? Probably not. Will they solve the GOP’s political quagmire of courting Hispanic voters? Definitely not.

But it’s a start, and that’s a good place to be. Now let’s get high and pick up bitches in Cancun. Mexico’s the shit.