We’ve already covered Foreign Policy Pick-Up Lines, but what about those bitties who didn’t even know Mali was a country (it’s alright babe, shit’s complicated).
Well I got your back, bro. Here are 10 Domestic Policy Pick-Up Lines that are sure to get you laid at your next political conclave:
1. If your left leg was a ban on assault weapons and your right leg was dogmatic platitudes on second amendment rights, would you let me come down the middle?
2. If I told you your body was a Conservative negotiating bi-partisan agreements with President Obama, would you hold it against me in the 2014 mid-term elections?
3. Hey girl, I’m like Rand Paul filibustering the nomination of John Brennan to CIA director: I’ll keep you up all night long.
4. I’ve got a Keystone XL Pipeline right here girl, so let’s go back to my place and drill baby drill.
5. You hear about this sequester nonsense? How about we check out my crib and I’ll show you the virtues of pro-growth stimulus.
6. Damn girl, you must have been a terrorist leader in Somalia because you look like you came straight out of heaven.
7. Hey baby, let’s play comprehensive immigration reform: you can be the door to citizenship and I’ll slam you all night long!
8. Baby I’ll be the sequester and you’ll be the national deficit when you’re going down tonight.
9. Are you a General Atomics MQ-1 Predator Drone? Because you blow me away!
10. You must be Wells Fargo the way you got my large compensation rising.
So there they are. Go get it, bro.
Any bro who’s worth his weight in muscle mass knows the gym is the best place to pick up chicks. It’s mad easy: you stroll in there with an old high school tank top (sleeves cut-off for maximum gun exposure), check yourself out in the mirror (looking swoll, bro) and throw off some glances at sorority girls doing hot yoga (wuttup mamacita). It’s like shooting fish in a barrel full of Pinnacle vodka.
But we don’t get this body with indiscriminate across-the-board lifting. No bro, it takes a balanced, responsible approach to get this swoll, along the same guidelines as reducing our national deficit.
Normally we’re not about giving away our lifting secrets, but with a looming sequestration deadline of March 1st, it’s time for everyone to get swoll and responsible with deficit reduction:
1. Diversify Your Workout
A comprehensive muscle-building regime requires a comprehensive approach to getting swoll. Much like the silver hair of the alpha male mountain gorilla, some chicks love guys with tree-trunk arms and kegs for stomachs, but screw that bro. Truly swoll bros focus on the core to avoid looking like a heavy-armed bitch.
Any deficit reduction plan also requires a broad-sweeping approach. A combination of spending cuts (domestic and defense) combined with tax reform that closes loopholes and opens new sources of revenue is the only way to meaningfully reduce the deficit in a fair way. As our European bros showed, austerity policies on their own do not work. We need pro-growth policies combined with smart, targeted cuts and revenue increases.
Bro like, I don’t even get it. Corporate tax breaks and loopholes added up to about $150 billion in lost revenue. And don’t even get me going on tax breaks for Big Oil.
Plus, closing tax loopholes isn’t technically a tax hike, but more like cutting out domestic spending programs that only benefit the wealthiest and most connected Americans. It’s kind of like taking a creatine supplement and people give you shit for it like you’re taking steroids or some shit. It’s not the same. Shut up.
2. Cut non-essential, fatty foods from your diet
Beer and liquor are essential components of any frat diet, so let’s leave those aside. But bro, what are you doing eating a $20 deep-dish pizza at 2:00am on a Thursday? I get it, you’re high as shit but seriously, there’s a reason your arms make bitches run like Al Queda operatives from a drone strike.
You need to cut that shit out and eat protein. Protein makes up the core of muscle building, muscles make up the core of swag; it’s pretty fucking simple bro.
Protein is like mandatory government programs (Medicare, Social Security, Food Stamps, etc.) They’re essential to a functioning modern society for a number of reasons and simply “cutting spending” isn’t a legitimate argument. Yes, we need to reform our social programs to accommodate for waste and a growth in eligible participants. But let’s do so in a smart, fair way. Be humane about it bro.
But things like fossil fuel subsidies are stupid and don’t contribute to a healthy economy or a swoll body. Credible estimates of annual fossil fuel subsidies range from $10 billion to $52 billion annual. I get the arguments in rising gas prices negatively impacting our economy but fucking deal with it.
Same with cuts to Defense. Democrats and Republicans refuse to cut defense spending but it’s totally out of control. The U.S. government spent almost $718 billion on defense and international security in 2011. Now, this particular bro understands the need for a strong military presence, as well as the impacts a portion of defense has on our domestic economy, but cut that shit out bro.
And can we talk about agricultural price supports and subsidized crop insurance programs? They mainly benefit large commercial farmers, crowd out local family farms and in no way impact the price of Natty Ice. Cut it.
3. DO SOMETHING
You’re not going to pick up bitches smoking weed and eating Cheetos on your couch, and you’re not going to reduce the Federal deficit by continuously kicking the proverbial can down the road.
Clearly this is an issue that needs to be addressed and until it is, we’ll keep fighting the same budgetary battles over and over, leaving important reforms to immigration, gun control, etc. off to the side like an ugly girl at a mixer.
But let’s acknowledge that there are a lot of arguments to be made that the deficit may not even matter. A recent CBO reported the 2013 budget deficit would be 5.3% of GDP; almost half of what it was when President Obama took office. The report showed that growth in health care spending continues to slow, potentially as a result of the Affordable Care Act or just a recovering economy. Consumer debt after taxes has reduced back to 1994 levels.
Maybe things just aren’t as bad as Washington would like us to believe.