Tagged: settlements

Israel: Your Grandma is Worried Sick About Settlements in East Jerusalem

Feed Me Buube

Yo Israel,

What’s up אח (bro)? Your bubbe (grandmother) misses you; I was just talking to her yesterday. She wanted me to tell you that you were getting too thin and should find a nice Jewish girl to settle down with. Oh, and she mentioned that you should renege on your plans to build settlements in the E-1 region of Eastern Jerusalem.

She said something about how the announcement was a deliberate provocation of the Palestinian people following the UN’s vote to recognize Palestine as a non-member observer state.

Bro look, the E-1 territory is considered one of the most sensitive in the region and should the plans come to fruition it would essentially close the door on a contiguous Palestinian state.

Israel, you’ve already isolated yourself from the international community following the extreme acts of aggression committed against a vastly outgunned occupied territory (can’t call it a state). And on Monday Britain, France, Sweden, Denmark and Spain all summoned their ambassadors back home in protest. You’re losing friends and you’re making your bubbe sick.

She’s really worried about you, bro. With all of the turmoil and changes in your ‘hood, now is not the time to exacerbate what can accurately be called the focal point of why everyone thinks you’re a total dick. And now that we have popularly elected governments in transitional phases, anti-Israeli sentiments are entering the public discourse after years of suppression.

That means you’ve no longer got U.S. established governments to back you up. It’s like if you picked a fight with the swollest bro at the gym, but then when you turn around you realize your bros are busy hitting on hot bitches doing yoga. Bro’s before ho’s doesn’t apply when there’s slampieces to be had, and it doesn’t apply when there’s the potential for violent intra-state conflict.

Let’s be real, Israel. Sure, moving settlements into volatile territories might alleviate some security concerns. But that argument is essentially like saying the only way to deal with your hangover is to stop drinking. It’s not that you drink too much, it’s that you’re a little bitch who can’t hold his liquor. Get your shit together and frat harder.

You’re entirely missing the fundamental issue that’s driving aggressive behavior from Palestine. Mainly, you’ve pushed them to the brink of a complete devolvement of a cohesive Palestinian identity so they’re fighting back with the only outlet they now have: violence. Because when Palestine does pursue peaceful diplomatic avenues, you treat them like a GDI: worthless, annoying and severely lacking in swag. And by the way, don’t even mention the Oslo Accord. Even your bubbe thinks it’s total bullshit.

Listen, this isn’t coming from me. It’s coming from you’re grandma, your bubbe, who’s worried sick about your behavior. She loves you, bro. And you’re killing her. You’re killing your grandmother with worry (her words, not mine).

Giver her some peace bro, stop building settlements in occupied territory and start serious negotiations on a two-state solution. And call your grandmother more. Because according to her, when she’s dead you’re going to miss you. Not that you should feel guilty or anything (you should feel guilty).

Hopefully we won’t have to have this talk again soon. But until next time, bro’chaim!


A Slightly Perturbed and Concerned Bro