We’ve already covered Foreign Policy Pick-Up Lines, but what about those bitties who didn’t even know Mali was a country (it’s alright babe, shit’s complicated).
Well I got your back, bro. Here are 10 Domestic Policy Pick-Up Lines that are sure to get you laid at your next political conclave:
1. If your left leg was a ban on assault weapons and your right leg was dogmatic platitudes on second amendment rights, would you let me come down the middle?
2. If I told you your body was a Conservative negotiating bi-partisan agreements with President Obama, would you hold it against me in the 2014 mid-term elections?
3. Hey girl, I’m like Rand Paul filibustering the nomination of John Brennan to CIA director: I’ll keep you up all night long.
4. I’ve got a Keystone XL Pipeline right here girl, so let’s go back to my place and drill baby drill.
5. You hear about this sequester nonsense? How about we check out my crib and I’ll show you the virtues of pro-growth stimulus.
6. Damn girl, you must have been a terrorist leader in Somalia because you look like you came straight out of heaven.
7. Hey baby, let’s play comprehensive immigration reform: you can be the door to citizenship and I’ll slam you all night long!
8. Baby I’ll be the sequester and you’ll be the national deficit when you’re going down tonight.
9. Are you a General Atomics MQ-1 Predator Drone? Because you blow me away!
10. You must be Wells Fargo the way you got my large compensation rising.
So there they are. Go get it, bro.
Any bro who’s worth his weight in muscle mass knows the gym is the best place to pick up chicks. It’s mad easy: you stroll in there with an old high school tank top (sleeves cut-off for maximum gun exposure), check yourself out in the mirror (looking swoll, bro) and throw off some glances at sorority girls doing hot yoga (wuttup mamacita). It’s like shooting fish in a barrel full of Pinnacle vodka.
But we don’t get this body with indiscriminate across-the-board lifting. No bro, it takes a balanced, responsible approach to get this swoll, along the same guidelines as reducing our national deficit.
Normally we’re not about giving away our lifting secrets, but with a looming sequestration deadline of March 1st, it’s time for everyone to get swoll and responsible with deficit reduction:
1. Diversify Your Workout
A comprehensive muscle-building regime requires a comprehensive approach to getting swoll. Much like the silver hair of the alpha male mountain gorilla, some chicks love guys with tree-trunk arms and kegs for stomachs, but screw that bro. Truly swoll bros focus on the core to avoid looking like a heavy-armed bitch.
Any deficit reduction plan also requires a broad-sweeping approach. A combination of spending cuts (domestic and defense) combined with tax reform that closes loopholes and opens new sources of revenue is the only way to meaningfully reduce the deficit in a fair way. As our European bros showed, austerity policies on their own do not work. We need pro-growth policies combined with smart, targeted cuts and revenue increases.
Bro like, I don’t even get it. Corporate tax breaks and loopholes added up to about $150 billion in lost revenue. And don’t even get me going on tax breaks for Big Oil.
Plus, closing tax loopholes isn’t technically a tax hike, but more like cutting out domestic spending programs that only benefit the wealthiest and most connected Americans. It’s kind of like taking a creatine supplement and people give you shit for it like you’re taking steroids or some shit. It’s not the same. Shut up.
2. Cut non-essential, fatty foods from your diet
Beer and liquor are essential components of any frat diet, so let’s leave those aside. But bro, what are you doing eating a $20 deep-dish pizza at 2:00am on a Thursday? I get it, you’re high as shit but seriously, there’s a reason your arms make bitches run like Al Queda operatives from a drone strike.
You need to cut that shit out and eat protein. Protein makes up the core of muscle building, muscles make up the core of swag; it’s pretty fucking simple bro.
Protein is like mandatory government programs (Medicare, Social Security, Food Stamps, etc.) They’re essential to a functioning modern society for a number of reasons and simply “cutting spending” isn’t a legitimate argument. Yes, we need to reform our social programs to accommodate for waste and a growth in eligible participants. But let’s do so in a smart, fair way. Be humane about it bro.
But things like fossil fuel subsidies are stupid and don’t contribute to a healthy economy or a swoll body. Credible estimates of annual fossil fuel subsidies range from $10 billion to $52 billion annual. I get the arguments in rising gas prices negatively impacting our economy but fucking deal with it.
Same with cuts to Defense. Democrats and Republicans refuse to cut defense spending but it’s totally out of control. The U.S. government spent almost $718 billion on defense and international security in 2011. Now, this particular bro understands the need for a strong military presence, as well as the impacts a portion of defense has on our domestic economy, but cut that shit out bro.
And can we talk about agricultural price supports and subsidized crop insurance programs? They mainly benefit large commercial farmers, crowd out local family farms and in no way impact the price of Natty Ice. Cut it.
3. DO SOMETHING
You’re not going to pick up bitches smoking weed and eating Cheetos on your couch, and you’re not going to reduce the Federal deficit by continuously kicking the proverbial can down the road.
Clearly this is an issue that needs to be addressed and until it is, we’ll keep fighting the same budgetary battles over and over, leaving important reforms to immigration, gun control, etc. off to the side like an ugly girl at a mixer.
But let’s acknowledge that there are a lot of arguments to be made that the deficit may not even matter. A recent CBO reported the 2013 budget deficit would be 5.3% of GDP; almost half of what it was when President Obama took office. The report showed that growth in health care spending continues to slow, potentially as a result of the Affordable Care Act or just a recovering economy. Consumer debt after taxes has reduced back to 1994 levels.
Maybe things just aren’t as bad as Washington would like us to believe.
There’s a lot of talk in the media about Paul Ryan being pretty swoll. Yeah right. Any real bro can see right through this pumped up façade to the facts: Paul Ryan doesn’t understand the real secrets to transforming your body from regular to a ripped, slam-piece banging machine.
First off, Paul Ryan does the p90x. What a little bitch. What’s the point of working out if you’re not in a packed gym intimidating other bros with your bench press?
Seriously, who the fuck wants to workout alone. Not us, bro. We hit up the weight room with cut-off tees on our backs and bitches on our minds. The p90x is for cowards.
But more importantly, Paul Ryan makes the most common mistake out there; he only focuses on the glam muscles and completely ignores his core. Bro, I get it. If you can just get beefed up arms and calves bitches will flock to you like you’re Pinnacle vodka on a Saturday morning, right?
WRONG. You need a strong core (abs, delts, etc), otherwise you’ll look like an arm-heavy little bitch.
But seriously, leave it to Paul Ryan to only do bicep curls and completely ignore his core. Just like his budget proposal only focuses on cutting glam government programs and completely ignores the core of our deficit crisis.
I’ll just say it outright: Ryan’s “Path the Prosperity” is more like the “Path to Not Getting Hot Bitches Wasted.”
Let’s break this down. Ryan maintains that he can cut taxes and reduce the deficit at the same time. Bro, what? That’s like saying we can get more slampieces over to our frat by buying less vodka.
Sure we could save some vodka by closing loopholes that allow brothers to drink it, but that’s stupid. We’re going to end up with less vodka no matter what and the parties going to sputter out prematurely (something I’m sure Paul Ryan is pretty used to *bro high-five*).
Similarly, Ryan claims he’ll pay for decreased revenue by closing tax loopholes but has yet to say which loopholes he would close. Apparently lower taxes stimulate greater investment, which spurs business activity. As a consequence the economy will grow and the income base from which the government draws taxes increases.
But that premise is really hard to swallow without some tangible numbers to back it up, especially given the depressed state of the global economy.
And considering the budget includes a permanent extension of the Bush tax cuts for the wealthy, repealing the estate tax and eliminating taxes on interest, capital gains and dividends the “Path to Prosperity” is clearly intended only to help the nation’s top earners. And it would add $4.6 trillion to the federal deficit over the next decade.
That’s the same as cutting back on vodka and expecting to somehow get more sorority slampieces drunk. Only the upper classmen are going to get drunk and rage, while the rest of us end up smoking kush and playing FIFA on a Friday night.
You mad, bro?
At the same time, Ryan wants dramatic cuts to almost every essential government program including:
• 25% from transportation and infrastructure spending (including cuts to Air Traffic Control
• 13% on spending for Veterans
• 6% on spending for “general science, space, and basic technology”
• 33% on spending for “education, training, employment, and social services”
Don’t even get push me on Ryan’s plans for entitlement reform. Seriously back the fuck up, bro.
So what stays?
Ryan’s budget saves $40 billion in subsides for big oil and instead cuts $3 billion from green energy programs.
Whether congress wants to accept it, green energy is the future of the U.S. economy. Building pipelines and handing out money to oil companies just puts us further into the pockets of hostile nations and destroys a huge opportunity for rebuilding America’s manufacturing infrastructure.
Ryan’s budget also restores $487 billion in spending cuts to the Pentagon pushed by the Obama administration. And Mitt Romney’s proposed budget increases military spending to 4% of GDP—that adds at least $2 trillion to federal spending over four years.
So here’s what we’ve got: a budget proposal that focuses only on politically glamorous programs (takers vs. makers, climate change is a myth or whatever the catchphrase is now-a-days) and ignores the fundamental problems driving the debt in the first place (addiction to oil and bloated defense spending).
God damn bro. It’s time you hopped off that p90x and started an actual lifting regime. No more of that pussy shit. If you want to be treated like you’re the American people’s #1 deficit-hawking bro you at least need to act like it first.
Every year around football season the bros and me get together for a little courtship with the hot sororities. You know how it is: we sing a little song about smanging (smash it and bang it, bro), send some flowers (bitches love orchids), and get them wasted on Pinnacle Whipped.
Then we pop the question: “Hey girl, I know you’re into us. So let’s cut the chitchat. You’re going to get down with us tonight.”
To which, obviously, they respond: “Of course, my bros! You are so strong and masculine and look like you could bench 350 while nailing one of my sorority sisters!” Because that’s exactly what girls look for in men.
Now, I don’t know how Mitt Bromney feels about football (looks more like a LAX bro to me). But damn bro, if you want to get in voter’s panties you seriously need to adjust your foreign policy game.
Basically, Romney, you need to get the American populace wet with a new, bold agenda. Just like we did to those sorority hoes when we sang them Lil’ Wayne’s “Lollipop” with our shirts off. It was fuckin’ tight.
Romney’s speech at the Virginia Military Institute sounded like a mix between George W. Bush and Obama. First off bro, Romney needs to hop off George W. Bush’s dick or he’s never going to achieve any sort of substantive foreign policy credentials.
People remember George W. Bush, bro, mainly how he got Iraq pregnant and got slammed into paying child support for 10 years. The bro’s got a kid weighing him down. Romney is never going to get laid with that kind of shit on his plate.
So my bro Romney went up there and tried to talk a big game. But, like every thing else about his campaign, it was devoid of any substance; just meaningless rhetoric that didn’t differ in any way from Barack O’Drama.
That’s like us going to Kappa Gamma and singing “Love in this Club” right after PIKE left. It’s boring, bro. And it makes you look like a cop-swag. No one gets laid by copping other bro’s swag. You look desperate.
Instead of outlining a new agenda, Mitt went on stage and outlined an Iran policy that was almost identical to Brobama’s, said some weird bullshit about how Russia is a looming geostrategic threat (bro, what?), and offered no real solution to the worsening civil war in Syria other than “arm the revels.” That’s just dumb bro.
You can’t just go on stage and spout some bullshit about how Obama is weak and apologizes for America and then advocate for an interventionism and increased defense spending. Chicks see right through that and you look like a coward with no real policies of your own.
Real barbershop talk, no razors no chalk: if you don’t add some meat to your foreign policy credentials you’re going to end up like a wimpy little bitch rather than a hulking bro who can bench 350 and nail bitches.
Forget Barack bro, just get up there and spit some hot fire about how dope your frat is and how the American people should let you check out their bedroom tonight so you can show them how a real man treats hot bitches. Get the American people drunk off cheap Vodka (American exceptionalism) and then slam them with some completely impractical foreign policy bro-speak. Just like you’d slam the Iranian government: hard, powerful and ultimately very unsatisfying.
Otherwise you’ll be 75 years old and still trying to bang Ann. I know she’s hot right now bro, but after 5 kids that shit’s tore up. The American people are young and tight. You need to get it while its hot, bro.
Real talk, bro. Why the hell is no one talking about Syria and Turkey being on the brink of war? Obama’s my bro, Mitt Romney’s like a casual bro acquaintance who I hate seeing but tolerate, and I don’t particularly mind seeing them in the news duking it out like two sorority bitches in a pudding wrestling contest. But seriously, shit’s about to get real bad over there, like blacking out on football Saturday and missing the game bad.
On Monday Turkish President Abdullah Gul (sweet name, bro) said that the “worst-case scenarios” were playing out in Syria and Turkey would do whatever is necessary to protect itself.
We’ve seen exchanges of artillery fire for six straight days. Turkey’s armed forces have bolstered their presence along the border with Syria. And what’s the international community doing? U.N. Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon said the escalation of the conflict was “extremely dangerous.”
Are you kidding me, Ban? That’s like saying PIKE throwing a mad rager on the same night of our annual “80’s Bros and Coked Out Hoes” party was no big deal. It was a big deal. And it ended with 50 bros flexing in the street at 3 a.m. threatening to fight each other. Hopefully Syria and Turkey are only chesting up and trying to look like the alpha bro. Hopefully. But it’s starting to look like they’re going to fuckin’ throw down.
The most upsetting part of this whole debacle came today when NATO declared it was ready to defend Turkey in the event of an all out war. Bro, this is getting way to real.
At the same time we have radical militant groups staging suicide bombing against the Syrian regime so we’re past the point of arming whatever cohesive opposition was there. There are very few options on the table and what options are still available are quickly dissipating.
God damn, bro. This is almost as bad as the time our frat had a mixer with some skanky sorority and all the bitches were ugly as shit. So we chugged all the tequila we bought and blacked out so we didn’t have to remember what happened but in the morning we woke up and all the girls were still there. Naked. On our tables.
No one had any idea what the fuck went down but the entire house smelled like sluts, natty light and bad decisions.
Now obviously a war is somewhat unlikely at this point and NATO is extremely reluctant to enter into any conflict when their main focus is on Afghanistan. But it’s an election year, bro. Every eye is turned on Brobama and Bromney. No one is willing to do anything.
It’s like we lost a football game and now everyone is too pissed to do anything so there’s no parties to rage at. But somewhere there’s a party and no one has the gumption to go out and slam hot bitches.
Do you see what I’m saying? Turkey and Syria are like hot bitches and the international community is like our frat after a devastating loss. There’s shit going down, bro. It’s time to mobilize and attack before some other frat swoops in and cops our party swag.
But seriously, we need to see this escalation in the news more often. If Turkey and Syria continue this aggression, NATO will inevitably be drawn in. Then Syria’s allies, Iran and Russia, will have to back up their bro and then you just have a clusterfuck of regional strife and proxy wars.
So yeah shit’s fucked up. But apparently the international community as impotent as those PIKE bros. I wouldn’t be surprised if they couldn’t get it in with a vulnerable sorostitute going blackout at a frat. Seriously international community, get your shit together. We can’t wait.
My boy Barack O-Drama had a big day today. In what would be his last speech to the UNGA before the November elections, he obviously wanted to bring down the house with some real-talk about geopolitics and America’s place in the world. Swag. Go lay the proverbial smack down on all these bitch-ass nations, bro. I wanna see some tears.
But what did we get instead? Some straight-up pussy speech about “protecting free speech” and the “painstaking work of reform.” Come on bro, you’re better than that. Seriously, me and my bros didn’t wake up and 7:30am and pregame hard before the opening of the UN General Assembly to see some daytime television pandering to the Muslim-world.
But I get it Barry (Choom Squad 4 Lyfe, homie). In an era of increasing hostility between the West and the Muslim world, it’s important to throw election year politics aside and work for meaningful change on a global level. Focusing his speech on the power of free speech and shit like that was a good call.
My favorite part of the speech came when Barry was like, “As president of our country, and commander-in-chief of our military, I accept that people are going to call me awful things everyday. And I will defend their right to do so.”
Looks like Barack has been watching 8 Mile recently. He totally jacked that strategy from Rabbit, when he was all like, “Yeah I got problems, but you’re still a bitch.” Now when other nations try to front on us, what are they going to say?
But at the risk of sounding un-American, I think the main story should be Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad rolling up to New York 140 delegates deep. Bro, that’s like half the people who were at our Foam Party last week coming to a fuckin’ policy conference.
And even more impressive was that most of that delegation is staying at the swagtastic Warwick hotel for over $1600 a night. After a series of political missteps at home and a public power struggle with conservatives in the Iranian parliament, my man Mahmoud can still bring the party with him. Seriously bro.
There’s showing the force of your military through training exercises in the Persian Gulf, and then there’s showing the force of your swag through rolling up with a huge posse and getting bitches at swank New York hotels.
If the United States and Iran were fighting over a contentious swag program instead of nuclear one, I think Barack Obama may have just gotten embarrassed.
Swag Score: Iran-1, U.S.-0